Part 1: Gettin’ Play by Player: when Kangaroo Kobe came a Courtin’

The following is an edible tran-strip of Eagle County Sheriff’s Detectives intercourse with Kobe “I Need A” Bryant the night after he did the ol’ in-out in his Colorado hotel room, a whiz-bang that led to rape allegations. This tran-strip was first published by Game Facial, a local fanzine of the region. It recently appeared in a censored version in tabloids nationwide after Team Bryant was succesfully able to force the "star fucking" accuser to drop her allegations by threatening to ruin what little was left of her life.
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Det 1: We just want to talk to you about it, and find out your side of the story and what and who went down.
Det 2: But we, like you, don’t want to do it in front of everybody.
Kobe: All right, but this shit’s personal. Who’s side of the story you gonna follow? This is my career.
Det 2: We’re not here to destroy your career or your image, but we do have a serious matter at hand to resolve. This is our job, so just cooperate, ok? Matter at hand, job, get it?
Kobe: Ask me what, ask me how, ask me anything, but ask me now.
Det 2: Did you have a “female party” last night?
Kobe: Um…. next question.
Det 2: Same as the first.
Kobe: So that’s how it’s gonna be, huh? Ok, I dig. Yeah, I was with a “lady” who showed me around her… yes, did she say I did something to her? She showed me around the pool, she came… to my room, she showed me her back view, I mean, the back view, where she bared all and came, I mean all the bears come… up to the window, and that’s about… it. We shot the shit and that was it, finito. I speak Italian.
Det 2: Apparently. So, what’d you guys “shoot the shit” about?
Kobe: Just shot the shit like I said. She asked me what I was here for, I told her to get down on her knees… I mean, my knee… you know, what I was here for… my knee… yeah.
Det 2: And…?
Kobe: Um… she wanted to be a singer, like in the shower an’ shit-not a golden one mind you I…
Det 2: Go on.
Kobe: Um, she had like, um her tattoo, w/ like music and instruments n’ shit on it, queer like.
Det 1: Did you ask her to come last night so you could… check her out?
Kobe: Come back to my room, yeah. That’s when she showed me the tat.
Det 2: Ok… where was her “tat”?
Kobe: Oh, shit… Um, she had one on her ankle, legit like, and said she had one on her backside wit’ notes, of the musical variety.
Det 2: Was it cool?
Kobe: Um, yeah… sorta… she showed me.
Det 2: How did she show you?
Kobe: She had like a strap on… not a strap-on fellas, I mean, heh heh shit, but but… uh, anyways, she lowered it. I told her to turn around and she lowered it and she showed me.
Det 2: She lowered the boom so to speak, huh? So, uh did you guys hug or kiss or… spoon?
Kobe: No.
Det 1: Okay. Um, I’ll be blunt and ask you. Did you fuck her Kobe?
Kobe: No.
Det 1: Okay. Um, yet there is an allegation that unconsensual fucking occurred last night, okay. All right. (Kobe starts weeping like a baby) Hang on, okay, hang on sloopy... er, Kobey, don’t get excited. Look, I understand you have every right to be upset, okay, but you know, I’m giving you an opportunity to tell the truth if something did happen. She, she submitted to, she submitted to an exam. Okay.
Kobe: Aw man, you’re shittin’ me? Look, is there any way I can settle this, whatever it is, I mean…?
Det 1: Well… what do you mean by settle? How much “settling” are we talking here?
Det 2: Doug, uh uh, not a good idea.
Det 1: Righto, damn.
Det 2: Your tellin’ me.
Kobe: Look guys, uh, can I call you guys? If my wife found out that anybody made any type of allegations against the Kobester, she would have my ass, and I’d never hear the end of it. That’s all I care about.
Det 1: Mr. Bryant, look, I understand your concerns and frustrations, okay, I’m on a short leash myself, but I need to find out if this actually happened. I mean, it could have been a complete turn on, er… come on. I mean she could have been leading you on, or… whatever.
Det 2: She consented to an exam.
Kobe: Right, you said.
Det 2: We received blood, pubes…
Kobe: Gotcha.
Det 2: Semen.
Kobe: Okay, okay! Fuck… damn I hate that word…. You sure it was mine?
Det 1: Your semen. We’ve got the physical evidence right here in a petri dish.
Det 2: It’s in a beeker.
Kobe: That’s some sick shit man.
Det 2: So… be straight up with me Ko… be. The hairs, they were black, and they weren’t straight up-you know what I’m saying? Yao Ming wasn’t “in the house”. Is there any reason why any of your pubic hair…?
Kobe: Christ, you really gotta go there?
Det 2: Just be straight up, we’re not gonna tell your wife or your coach or anything like that. Did you do the wild thing with her?
Kobe: Uh… this is what I need to know fellas, cuz I did do the nasty with her. Cuz Kobe was horny like a (inaudible).
Det 2: We know how it is. Was it consensual?
Kobe: Yeah it was sensual, totally.
Det 2: What makes you believe it was consensual?
Kobe: Cuz she started kissing my (inaudible), an’ then she bent over doggy-style and (inaudible).
Det 1: Officer McGruff-like, I see. All right. Did she come?
Det 2: From the get-go?
Kobe: Um, we walked around naked, went to the room, started fucking, she showed me the bedroom on her back (inaudible). I said actually I’d like to do it in the pool, I said I aint going by myself out there, you’re… a ho. She said well I already came, but I’ll open it up again if you want or whatever, I asked if she had any butt-beads and she said yeah I have ‘em in the back. And I said how appropriate, um, now we talkin’, well can I see em’, she’s like well I might have to show my (anatomical detail deleted) again if I show them to you but she’s like well maybe I’ll do that anyway and I’m like cool, and she gets up to leave or whatever and she gives me blow job so I kiss her back and then you know I started undressing and caressing her or whatever and then she puts her hand on my, you know, my California Blacksnake or whatever, and it kinda goes from there like a hundred times an’ shit ‘til the bears come home an’ take a shit in the woods if you know what I’m sayin’.
Det 1: Um… ok, not really but, I’ll move on. It’s possible that at some point that she may have told you no, I can’t take it all. Maybe she did lead you on a teeny-weeny bit and she kissed your… uh… snake and then she said now, I can’t make this fit, this isn’t happening.
Kobe: (Inaudible) if she’d a said that, I would a pulled out, no spooge, no nothing.
Det 1: Did you “spooge”?
Kobe: No.
Det 2: Well there’s always premature ejaculation, are you one of those?
Kobe: Say what?! Are you kidding me?
Det 2: I’m not kidding you, they teach you that in seventh grade sex ed…
Kobe: Stop right there man, that’s cold.
Det 2: Sorry.
Det 1: So… how long is your… well, you know? California thing?
Kobe: (Inaudible) fifteen inches maybe.
Det 1: And the best ones are straight Kobe, is yours straight?
Kobe: Hells yeah.
Det 2: Did she scream? Did you have her from the back of her head or her neck? Was it good?
Kobe: Held her from the back? You’re sick man, no… I wouldn’t… well, alright, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Det 1: Good band.
Kobe: I did hold her from the back, and I went like this: eyuuumph!!! I had my right hand like this, my other hand like that, my left foot like so, and my right one up here and my 3rd leg was kinda positioned this way and… (cut off)
Det 2: And you stayed hard?
Kobe: I don’t know, my manhood here, it’s strong.
Det 1: Where was she bent over at?
Kobe: There’s um, a little chair she liked to call “the love seat” where we got down, and she had her leg up so’s I could get a leg up, an’ she bent herself in half like so and I threw a leg… uh, up.
Det 2: Okay… Was it messy or anything like that?
Kobe: Aint it always though?
Det 2: Yeah, well, she had a lot of bleeding.
Kobe: Awww man, shit! You’ve gotta be pullin’ my leg, from where?
Det 2: Where do you think Mr. Bryant, from her vaginal area.
Kobe: Aaaahhhh!!! Don’t say that would neither. Christ… Look officer, there was no blood on my $700, 000 Italian suit, none whatsoever man, matter of fact, I still have the boxers, they’re %100 imported silk (inaudible), white as Larry Bird, nothing on them…
Det 1: Is it okay if we take those?
Kobe: Well that’s some sick shit but… I guess so. But I don’t want the media to see ‘em, in case I left some skid marks on ‘em or somethin’.
Det 1: We don’t want to see that either Kobe, so, nevermind.
Kobe: Don’t mention it. That’s why we’re here, right?
Det 2: Yes, that’s why we’re here at this time of night, yes.
Det 1: And we’re doing everything we can to try and get you out of this Kobe, we’re working on it, okay? I, I can’t promise you dick, I wish I could, but I can’t. Unfortunately, in order to work the system, you can’t cross the line too quickly, just like on the basketball court with a defending lineman, the umpire might throw you out of the game or something.
Kobe: Uh… yeah, I… see…
Det 2: Hey Kobe, have you ever gone, er, “one on one” like this before? Had allegations made and…
Kobe: Al le what? No. Are you kidding me? Never, I like, I know how to treat a lady, with the utmost respect an’ shit, absolutely, positively %100 nothing, no bullshit.
Det 1: I mean, is it possible that you guys had the music too loud or something, and she told you no and you couldn’t quite hear her?
Kobe: No, we was listening to Barry White man, not nuthin’ slammin’ or nuthin’ like that.
Det 1: Hey! Have you got something against the (cut off)?!
Det 2: No, Doug Doug, he said Barry White man, not “white man”, don’t get your panties all in up in a wad.
Det 1: Oh… right. Thanks Dan, uh… never mind.
Kobe: (gulp).
Det 2: Back to the matter at hand. Kobe, did you ever ask her if you wanted, if you could (sexual detail deleted)?
Kobe: Yeah, of course I did, I’m not stupid. That’s when she put up the red flag.
Det 1: Said no.
Kobe: No, now I didn’t say that.
Det 1: You… never mind.
Det 2: So, you like to (sexual detail deleted)?
Kobe: Who doesn’t?
Det 2: Good point.
Kobe: That’s my thing, dig? I mean, not always, I aint Shaq, I mean, so I stopped. Jesus Christ man.
Det 1: So how was this consensual?
Kobe: Sheeesh! How was it not, I mean it was totally sensual, she, we…
Det 1: You mutually “kissed”, there’s no question about that.
Kobe: We “mutually kissed”, as you say, yeah, so?
Det 1: Did you start…?
Kobe: She bent over backwards man, on her lonesome.
Det 1: Right, right. Okay, let me back up to the kissing. Did it escalate? Foreplay type issues, grabbing?
Kobe: Ejaculate? No, not yet, I told you, but… well, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Det 1: Good band.
Det 2: You already said that.
Det 1: Right…Go on Kobe.
Kobe: Sure, sure, sure, sure. So, she put her… you know… on my… well, you know, penis an’ shit, and that’s it, and then she started playing with that (inaudible).
Det 1: Okay, okay, I don’t need to hear anymore.
Det 2: But Doug, uh, we do need to hear more.
Det 1: Damn… Um… whew… ok, did she give you oral sex or anything like that?
Det 2: Doug, we covered that already.
Det 1: Right… hey, is it hot in here Dan or is it just me?
Kobe: Hey, can I say something here?
Det 2: Go ahead Kobe, don’t mind him.
Kobe: Okay, so, after like five positions an’ shit, I said um what’s your name? Give me your number, and while your at it, give me a (sexual detail deleted) um, and then kiss it this here way like (inaudible), and then she gave me a (sexual detail deleted).
Det 2: Wow. So that’s how you (sexual detail deleted)?
Kobe: Yeah, quick an’ easy like. I’m a pro you know.
Det 1: You sure are!
Det 2: Then what happened? We’re all ears...

(end of Pt. 1)

"I wanna no if you like me or knot becuz mad people telling me mad stuff? Jus tell me ur self"

...fresh direct from a "note" I found yesterday on the sidewalk.

*Friends & journey people*,
my band ROLLO is playing a FREE early show @ the Luna Lounge (ok, so they're all free there) tonight, Thursday, September 16th @ 9pm sharp! If you haven't yet been initiated into the glorious cult of rockability that is ROLLO and their raw, fuel injected raunch n' roll stylings, well this may be your perfect opportunity! ROLLO, giging in the metropolitan area only since May, has been compared favorably to the likes of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, The Kills, X, Television, JSBX, Jet, Blondie, the Pixies and the Stones (as
well as many other kickin' bands), so don't be left behind the curve! Hope to see you @ the FREE rock show... Luna is located @ 171 Ludlow Street in the scenic Lower East Side of Manhattan. Yours-RM

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http://www.rollo-ny.com (hear our music, see what we look like n' shit)

Rollo is:
Hubert Dulay-tweed guitar samurai
Alex Emanuel-joe strummer/vocalic leadoff
John Dillon-smasher of kit and lighter of it
Sally Donovon-blondie tonk vocalista sista

Rollo upcoming live performance fiestas:
Thursday, 10/07 @ The Knitting Factory 830pm
Saturday, 11/06 @ The Lakeside Lounge 1030pm
New Years Eve @ Wembly Stadium w/ Mick and the Stones via direct satalite feed from Uranus

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Ok... other news: I saw an ad on craigslist for stupid human tricks and decided to apply. Why the hell not, every freakin' reality show out there is about stupid humans these days, and this would only be for a minute or so. My proposal (thought up in about 2 sex flat) was the following:

"...for the duration of the time alotted me the "trick", I'd like to rock in a rocking chair while rolling up a de-rolled roll of toilet paper, as Paul and the band play "Been a Long Time Since I Rock and Rolled" by Led Zeppelin. As it would have been a "long time" since I'd done that, I'd display the utmost emotion while doing the dumb deed"... sound stupid enough?
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Has this been the worst Presidential race ever or what? When are these guys going to debate? November 1st? It's like a f*ckin' reality show itself, with the 2 people on the the "Sureal" World (an actual reality show concept I have, ask me about it, but don't steal the fucker)who;ve been thrown into bed with each other but can't stand each other's guts slingin' mud balls left and right. It's plain to me, and should be to the rest of the country (unless we really are as dumb as we look), that W has GOT TO GO. This guy is re-writing the constitution b4 our eyes, seizing documents that should be made public, polarizing the country b/w the ultra rich and super poor like NEVER before (no, WORSE then the 50's, 60's 70's my friends), dragging us into WWIII, and bold-faced lying to the people about this, that and every other f*ckin' thing. Wake up and smell the smoking oil I say, open up your history book to Germany in the 30's and read the fine print. Yeah, so Kerry has screwed up (thank God he has Carville aboard), who made Nader our savior? (not to mention W of course). The elephantitis party has been calling democrats big government flip floppers since the stone ages, what else is knew? Go to the museum of Broadcasting and watch them spin the same yarn of deceit since the dawn of television. Check out what the American Conservative Union insultingly has to say about Kerry and the Vietnam thing, and honorable man who admirably served out country and questioned an unjust war: "as a young hard-shell leftist who had turned against the war, Kerry may have had an ideological predisposition to favor the communist regime of North Vietnam" (?!?!)"the more you examine Kerry's involvement with the Vietnam Vets against the War, the more you see what a histrionic production it was, what a piece of street theater: Bogus veterans. Bogus medals." Here's another propaganda snippet about Kerry, this time about the present war: "You'd have to search carefully through the annals of American history to find a U.S. Senator whose public statements have been better crafted to demoralize our troops at war or to embolden our enemies to resist us more resolutely." Give me a break.

Ok, I've gotten about as riled up as I need to be today, should've perhaps written this stuff right before I played tonight. I just want to leave you with one other thing. The other night I did a focus group for NY radio (Q104.3 I'm sure, though they wouldn't tell us). What a sham. They gathered about 3 guys my age in a room, and gave us a "Mix Master
Perception Analyzer Device" (serious) to rate 800 song snippets (yes, 800... 3.5 hours) that would help decide programming. It was painful with a capital p for pissed off yo. I had to sit through countless Billy Joel cuts, Elton John, what have you. The "new" rock that was included consisted of 3 Nirvana tunes and 5 Pearl Jam songs... ouch. The other "new" music they had was one Elvis Costello song, 2 Clash songs, the worst of U2, 2 Cars songs and... well, that's it. Afterall, music aint what it used to be the powers that be tell us. This is so sad. Yes, I sound like a broken cd I'm sure, but come on...
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Next up: some overdue Liver Sports thoughts (yay for Russian tennis chix, much as I always have a spot spot for Jenny and a (albeit "harder", if you catch my drift) soft spot for Serina), as well as a few slices from a lil' book called "A Guide to Better Living: A Practical Handbook of Enormous Scope", that tells you, among other things, how to: "be a better marriage partner", "enjoy work", "overcome tensions", "improve your appearance" and "make use of new scientific developments". Oh boy, I can hardly wait...

Two Zoo New Reviews au gratin, and a FREE Rollo gig to boot this Thursday 9/16, 9pm sharp @ le Lounge de Luna

If you gander at my links (lancenotawholeheluvalotof), you'll notice near the bottom that I've started doing some cd reviews @ a lil' site called Kevchino.com. This is on account of my marvy writing here @ Snot, and I hope to parlay this little side-thang into a way to make a little extra cash, know what I'm sayin'. Besides that hidden desire, I really like doing it, throwin' my opinions out there (if you haven't noticed). Well, I know that I'm at least a blog behind, and the scraps of paper have been accumulating, waiting for me to throw up in the air to see where and how they land, but today, I'm going to give you a peak @ couple of the cds reviews I just did over there, as I can't trust your lazy trigger finger to bring up that site, esp. when there are so many other exciting, tantalizing web offerings to choose from... Talk soon, and do swing by Luna this thursday night, September 16th, at 9pm sharp, b/c Rollo is playin' for free, and we good (Luna is located @ 171 Ludlow Street, b/w Stanton and Houston in Manhattan's scenic Lower East Side. Don't take any wooden hickeys-AE... (er... RM)

Helio Sequence
"Love and Distance"
Sub Pop | 2004
Album (10 tracks)
5 out of 10 - Good and bad. Just OK.

I really dug the hypnotic way this disc began, even though I couldn’t quite place who or what they sounded like (with that oddly featured mouth harp, beat box and rock-steady drum mix goin’ on et all). The emergence of the first lead vocal pulled me away from my reverie though, as it just seemed too “groovy” or something for the rest of the music. This proved to be a major problem for these ears throughout “Love and Distance”, the new offering on Sub-Pop by The Helio Sequence. It’s a shame, as the band definitely has a way with interesting choruses despite their tendency towards trite verses, as many of them tended to pull me right back into the song at the precise point when I had almost completely lost focus. Nowhere is this trend better exemplified then on the second track of the cd, “Repeater”. The song begins, like so many on the disc, with a very cool instrumental groove, but one that only gets left behind by lyrics that are not up to the task. In this case, singer Brandon Summers croons “I’m on a roll and there’s nowhere to go, where we going now, out of control”… come to think of it, I couldn’t have said it better myself. The tune redeems itself, however, with a pretty amazing chorus, one that conjures up the likes of Franz Ferdinand and the Beatles. At other points on the disc, The Helio Sequence are at their best when they reminded me, however fleeting, of those bands, or XTC, Let’s Active, Stereolab and Mercury Rev for that matter. The band seems to be at their worst when the bombast of bad U2 sets in, a Prefab Sprout drippiness saturates the mood, or they force Sparklehorse without the sparkle. The lone songs where the exact opposite verse/chorus phenomenon (that I mentioned earlier) occurs are “Let it Fall Apart” and “Everyone Knows Everyone”, titles that seem to almost dare the listener to try and pidgeon-hole this band. The low point on the cd has got to be “Blood Bleeds”, a song that almost kept me from listening to the remaining three songs on the disc. I’m glad I didn’t give in to this impulse, however, as the following track, “S.O.S”, I found to be one of the most enjoyable songs on the entire album. This push and pull does make “Love and Distance” interesting to listen to, and demands that it get more than one turn in the cd carrier, but I’m still not quite sure who this band is and what this all leads to…

Sahara Hotnights
"Kiss & Tell"
RCA | 2004
Album (11 tracks)
9 out of 10 - Simply Amazing.

Ok, so this disc did instantly make me want to put the top down on the convertible Camaro in my mind and frolick in the hot summer sun with a bitchin’ blonde babe in a bikini. From it’s opening “Start Me Up”-era Stones meets Divinyls exuberance, Sahara Hotnights’ new disc “Kiss & Tell” (RCA) aint no mere cherry bomb though. Catchy hooks, riptide guitar riffs, rock-steady (albeit simplistic) drumming; these girls have got it going on. The temptation for many (I’m sure) has been to lump them in with all the “chick rock” bands that have ever broke, been bought, burnt and bit, but that’s just not fair. Yeah, they seem to be “hot”, and there are some Runaways in the Hot Sahara Night (I also wouldn’t scoff at any Susanna Hoffs and co. comparisons) but this bands’ strongest asset seems to be their ability to really pen a tune, and play it. Check out the cool guitar licks on “Walk on the Wire”, “Mind Over Matter” and “Stay/Stay Away”, or the bands’ knack for well-placed and executed backing vocals (no easy task… I know) throughout the disc. As to Maria Andersson’s lead vox, well, they may not win awards for their unique timbre, but she can transform her instrument to resemble the singer from Heart at one moment, Karen O at another, or a female version of that Strokes bloke at still another, and her words (for the most part) work, which is the most major of complements I can give to a rock band for their lyrics. For example, the “Sister Havana”-esque “Stay/Stay Away” features the line “I never shut, I never close”-hell, I wish I could drop a phrase that right-on and to-the-point. Along with Sahara's crafty songwriting, the interplay between the bands' two guitarists and drummer (Josephine Forsman) are the glue that keeps everything moving forward. It was apparent to me also that this band has done their homework, for there seem to be many disparate influences at work and at play here, from the Buzzcocks to the Cult, Imperial Teen and possibly even… Marshal Crenshaw. My only real complaint is that “Kiss & Tell”, at just under 35 minutes, runs kinda short.

"Low Lights" The Democrater Waiter Buffet Report from RNC in NYC 2004: scribbled, dribbled and civil (libeled?)

My position within (at) the Republican Party "party"...

***(Disclaimer: I AM NOT A Republican dear readers, nor have I ever been or ever will be. I am the polar opposite of one-please DO NOT confuse me with the fascistic underbelly of our society, I only worked at this thing to make $$, and so I could report on the evil doings that went down)***

...began Sat 8/28 when I was called upon to serve at the Time Warner Building for it's "Welcome to the Media" festivities 2 days before the opening gavel of the RNC @ Madhouse Square Garden. As I filed in with other catertrons that surreal feeling first hit me "wow, I'm working for the enemy... if the people back home could see me now they'd hate my guts". I was assigned a Martini Station, where I took the lead and came up with what would be the signature concoction of the evening, the "Cosmopolitician". That name came to me as we were supposed to serve up some Stoli mish-mash of Raspberry, Orange and Vanilla vodka like it was the ambosia of the Gods or something, and keep it coming until they were drunk and red-faced as can be. It was a gas hearing every shmo in the place say "well aaahhhlll have uh nother Cosmo-Pawl-o-tish-yan bah-tenduh!!" knowing that that name spring from this tender mind of mine (and that I wouldn't get a red-blooded cent more for it as it got co-opted by everybody there)... Well, this evening wasn't so bad-went off without a hitch, though I got my first taste of what the days to come might be like when, while bringing ice in from outside I passed by super-Republican fool Don King getting interviewed. With my back to him as I entered the big glass doors, I yelled "John Kerry 2004!", which was followed by a resounding echo of "NO!!!" in back of me. I disappeared inside amongst the masses before they could make me disappear...

...Ok, so as Saturday rolled into Sunday, along came the big Anti-Bush Demonstration we'd all been waiting for. This was quite a sight to behold, and to be a part of. There was actually some hope in the air as 400 thousand people walked along Broadway singing, chanting, cursing the Monarchy... and selling t-shirts, way too many t-shirts. This was an omen to me. Yeah, I'd made one 4 years back when Bush stole the Election outright from Aldo Nowhere, but this was different. This was rampant crass capitalism it seemed, exploiting a worthy cause, uh...our future no less, with "Get your official 2004 protest T-shirt here, don't go home with out it, only $20!"... I did buy a blow-up Bushocchio Hot Air President Doll (Smirkus Machiavellious) for $5 b/c it was just so damn well done (www.bushocchio.com), but I was genuinely appalled by the frenzy surrounding the "official" keep-sakes from the demonstration-there were more things hawked here then at the Convention... which leads me to, you guessed it, the Convention.

It became obvious, that come Monday eve, I was going to be working my catering magic at Madhouse Square Garden itself, providing a food service to my constituents, the squares of the Grand old garden Party themselves, shipped in from all over the country to resemble some sort of melting pot that doesn't exist within their usual huddled masses. Surreal is about the only way I can describe my experience there, that and bizarre. I and the other Democrater Waiters in attendance were all prepared to "take it for the team" should there be some sort of attack there, full knowing that we wouldn't be around afterwords if such an event did occur. We were shuttled in as a group, bunched together on-foot like the human slaves in Planet of the Apes, and we underwent 2 security check points. I had thought that we were to be subject to anal cavity searches with all the paranoia surrounding the event, but this went pretty smoothley (esp. the first few days, before W entered the building). There was one funny moment that first night though when the cops looked at a worn mint tin I had in my pocket and questioned me about it. "What's this" said the cop. "It has a condom in it said I, so that I can make love to my girlfriend safely at the end of the night when I see her". "Ok" said he, handing it back to me without opening it so that the enclosed rubber wouldn't be on view for all to see and marvel at (hmmm, a Trojan or Lifestyles user? Or perhaps a Durex man). I was quick and smart to point out my appreciation of safety first and family values, as I could have said "well, ocifer, I brought a sheath in case I meet a hot Republican chick"... ____________________________________________

Pt. 2

"Corned Beef Turkey": The Democrater Waiter Buffet Report from RNC in NYC 2004: scribbled, dribbled and civil (libeled?)
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...I brought into the RNC Monday (and each night afterwards) a little black book in which I did my best mole impersonation, scurrying off into a corner, under my tray, while on the can, what have you, in order to jot down the things I heard or thought of while working at the Hate Fest. Here are a few of the things that happened to me there as well as some of my observations:

Rushing up to the floor with 2 heated members of the kitchen staff to see John McCain call Michael Moore "disingenuous". The Secret Service almost took me down as I approached fast on foot holding my bussing tray-they grabbed my credentials that were hanging from my neck-thank God they didn't turn the one in front around to see the NO W sticker I had on it, I'd have been carried away and sent up the river. I fantasized at that moment about being the world's frisbee or discus champ, letting go at just the right moment of my silver tray and watching it soar through the air and decapitate some fat-cat republican on the podium...

Speaking with an old Madison Square Garden security guard (banished to escalator duty) about the events after I served him up corned beef and turkey sandwiches on the sly from my buffet table. This is what he had to say: "It's all bullshit, they (the Republicans) try to shit you up to your eardrums to have you hear what they say, and Bush?...I don't care for that guy, he looks like an idiot".

Mayor Bloomberg saunters up to my buffet table, all 4ft 2 inches of him, and comments in his nasal sarcastic whiney uppercrust voice about the turkey and corned beef: "well... it's better then the food upstairs", obviously dising the food at Madison Sq. Garden itself, as the only food there other than what we served (the same upstairs) was from the food stands there that normally fed happy concert and sporting event attendees.

Serving a heavily made-up Trent Lott Jambalaya at the "My South" party Wednesday. he scrunched his face like a flying monkee and said "Yum".

Observation: the bad acting that was so present by many delegates there eager to please any big whig congressman they came face to face with reminded one Democrater Waiter of Hamlet jumping into Ophelia's Grave...

Loudmouth, scary Republican women (blonde of course) yelling "TURN THAT TV OFF!!! NO HILLARY IN HERE!!" when Hillary Clinton came on one of the many flat-screen tvs set up. They started out on all channels, but gradually all became FOX...

C-List celebraties like the shrill, long-haired right winger Ron Silver are all this party can find, and this guy used his allotted time sounding like a crazed small country dictator... prepping every for Zell "the Zell-Out" Miller I suppose...
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Pt. 3

From the RNC Hatefest w/ Love "Dave Mathews Band Dumps Raw Sewage from Tour Bus into Chicago River, douses Tour Boat w/ 100 Passengers" … The Democrater Waiter Report, cont’d…
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...The above was a news story that graced the papers while the RNC and the protests against the Bush Administration were happening. This Democrater Waiter saw a little symbolism in that pseudo rocker showing his true brown colors (I've always felt he's stunk) as the GOP in speach after speach shat "us up to our eardrums to have you hear what they (were saying)" in the choice words of the friendly old escalator security guard I'd made friends with at Madhouse Square Garden...

Ok, where was I? Oh yeah... more observations:

Two GOP drones standing at attention, with winky dinky dogs (pigs in blankets) in-hand (and in mid-munch in fact) to pledge allegience to the flag...

Double Talk-there was an area of the hospitality suite that hadtheir flat screen tvs not in-sync, so all the GOP double talk came out as, well, double talk. Papa GHW Bush was on when I noticed this, and he sounded like Porky Pig...

Parading out handicapped black hispanic asian muslims like they're really core members of the party... where'd they get that fat muslim women with the orange burkah? And how about the celebrity power? I already mentioned Ron silver, who can't get a job obviously (but that doesn't bother him as he did his best Dennis Miller impersonation and rant for the party that makes it hard for him to get a job), but how about Angie Harmon and Jason Seyhorn? Wo, certainly celebs to reckon with here...

Giuliani... was hoping I'd never have to see that big head again (and I'd seen it in person at a matzah ball eating contest years ago... IT BIG! Makes Conan O'Brien's head look like a pea)... This guy loves to hear himslef talk, and oh, it was painful, as his cackling voice was all around me there echoing and getting a kick out of himslelf like a lisping Joker from Batman...

GOP delagates wearing silly Cat in the Hat Uncle Sam hats with stuffed elephants on top, gaudy rhinstone "W"s and huge buttons all over them saying "I'm a red-hot Republican"...what did this mean? The woman I stood next to in an elevator with this on was surely not hot, not by anyone's standards...

...ok, where was I? Oh yeah, in the eye of the storm. It was actually quite exhilerating I have to say, knowing that I was stationed at the event that all the world could be watching. I figured that as I was in NYC, there was no other place to be those days (other than out on the street protesting the sham of a mockery of an event) then at the Bushies. To set the record straight though, I didn't set out to work at the RNC, that is just where the pre-catering season work was. If you were a caterwaitier, this is where you were that week... and man oh man did I need the money (still do-haven't gotten paid yet from this work). So, how about a few more sites and sounds from the RNC? Remember, what I'm writing may not be novel or anything, it was just what I could squeeze out of the monumental blandness that pervaded the colorless convention. yeah, it looked all exciting to blood thirsty Republicans nationwide I'm sure, but this was a gathering of some of the most ininteresting folk one is ever likely to encounter-hell, you saw the speaches "Blah blah blah terrorism, yada yada 911, Kerry flip flops and he won't stop" w/ no mention of the economy or original ideas and so on...

When that 20 yr old MTV Essay Contest Winner (how did she win? seriously?) with her simplistic assault on values and the lack thereof, called for "Generation Example" instead of Gen X, this face lifted lady by my buffet table said "Can you believe it? That coloured girl's only 18!"... Did you all hear that contest winner afterwards screaming to someone interviewing her "I LOVE ARKANSAS AND I LOVE GEORGE BUSH!"
Well... good for her, and, uh, good luck to her...

The large heavy guy from the Soprano's came over to my buffet-he was doing correspondace for the Tonight Show. The lights came on and he said into camera that "the food at the Dem convention was better". I said "I'm sure I agree". With winky dinky dog in his mouth he said to me "Did you make this?" I said "Hell no, I'm just an actor trying to make a buck". I have no idea whether this segmant made it on Jay's show or not...

The only speaker as far as I could tell who they showed on TV from the rear was that sexy fascist Breast Cancer Advocate Elizabeth Hasselbeck (a young Mira Sorvino clone with a J. Lo Booty). I wonder why, doesn't Dick Cheney have a nice ass?

Laura Bush is a Stepford Wife, no doubt. See her as her face remains motionless while her mouth moves...

In the bathroom, I never saw so many guys with immobile Ken Doll hair grooming themselves, trying to look there waspy best so that they can get lucky with a blonde babe there...

Hell is: listening to Arnold's "Terminate Terrorism" speach on one side of you while a group of young GOP's on the other side of me are trying to fill each other in about the "interesting history of Dick Cheney", how he was "Minority Whip as a young Wyoming Congressman", and picked as "the youngest chief of staff for Nixon @ age 30" and then picked again in the late 80's only after the Dems "got rid of the other nominee, which allowed Newt Gingrich to enter the picture". Fascinating. These guys could barely contain their excitemnet talking about this, seemed like a bunch of Girly Men to me...

It started to seem as though this election was going to be about which candidate has the hotter daughters. I'd have to say that Bush wins on that front, esp. with that slutty looking Jenna (who frighteningly resembles Dubya more than her stoic mom) vamping for the cameras, but then again, Gore's girls were hotter than W's girls (but they were pre-teens in 2000 and didn't count I suppose)...

P Diddy (replete in over-sized Yankee Warm-Up gear) was in attendance, and overheard saying to someone that he was a Republican, then on TV getting interviewed that he was Bi-Partisan, then, when someone asked one of his posse, she said "oh no, he's a Democrat". What is he (besides a dour looking shlumpy fellow, obviously missing Ashton Kutcher's rat pack companionship-the only other time I saw him, and he was beaming then)? One thing for sure is that this guy is rude to caterwaiters, that was the word there. One distraught Democraterwaiter said about the Puffy one "Are you serious? Are you serious?" When I relayed that he was perhaps pro-Bush. "He should be ashamed of himself!... hey, what about the Def Jam guy?"... Then I overheard this staunch conservative fellow say "Puff Daddy? Who's that? I never heard of him. Is he rock or country? (He's) a big showboat ain't he"

I caught some Bushler Youth-type saying (right before the grand entrance of W): "60 days left, man I'm really excited. He's gonna swing in on a thing I bet-hell, if anyone can pull this off, he can"...

General note: usually, the young women at big catered events check out the staff, who are mainly comprised of actors and models... Not here, these Barbies wouldn't so much as bat an eye at the help. We were beneath them. The frat boy guys were actually nicer, eager to get all buddy buddy with us, but the women, not a chance...

Is Mike Piazza a Gay republican? Apparently, he was in the sky box, though the only Mets I saw there were Al Leiter (whom I already knew was conservative), along with an uncomfortable looking Todd Zeile and Tom Glavine. I went up to Tom and asked him if he'd consider a trade to the Red Sox. He said "if I'm gonna go anywhere, it'd be there". This then started much Red Sox talk, as I foiund 3 other Cater Waiters who were fans. Yes, Democrats like the Red Sox...I hope this is a good thing...

One Democraterwaiter kept saying "I hate active listeners". I asked him what he meant, and he pointed to this Slutty Southern belle w/ a krinkled forhead who was blatently kissing the ass of this Congressman sitting accross from her, mouth agape and all, stopping just short of drooling a tusk...
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Pt. 4

Sweeeeet!!! Mary Lou Retten is in da house! (Why did I ever dig her? she's no Natalie Portman) More from... The Democrater Waiter Buffet Report from RNC in NYC 2004: scribbled, dribbled and civil (libeled?)
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My last night there (most likely already refered to in these pages, as my scrawled notes were pretty all over the place) started off on a club foot when I tried to smuggle in some little flyers that mentioned Prescott Bush (W’s Grandpapy) and his being caught for trading with the enemy (the Nazis), as reported in October of 1942 in the Wall street Journal. This story has never rightly seen the light of day, though the charges against Bush by Michael Moore of aiding and abetting the Saudis strikes an eery resemblance to this story, don't you think? I folded up these little slips of paper carefully (about 10 of them) and hid them under my rolled-up tie in the pocket of the shirt I was holding on a hanger, with the hopes of passing them out if I could. The cop checking me in, who had just seemed oddly sarcastic when announcing “No bombs, Knives, Guns, Rifles, Missles, Oozis, Tanks, Open Containers and so on” (really, this is waht he said), felt the paper corners around my tie and asked “What’s this?” I said, “It's my Tie” and he looked at me for a second, smiled, and handed it back to me. My club foot gave way to dancing feet, and this last day of the RNC would prove to be kinda fun, as I walked all around the place-having had a drink or 3 supplied by the friendly MSG bartenders-checking out the Press place w/ all the talk radio set-ups, what have you… Ok, so here's the last of my very-hard-to-decipher notes:

I overheard one disapointed conservative attendee say "I haven't asked for shit, and then I ask for 2 passes last night, and they give me behind the fucking television!"

I was standing behind 2 GOP trolls, when this video footage made to look like old Super-8 clips of W, Laura and their kids from like the early 80's came on tv. I said to myself, somewhat loud "that's when he was doing all that coke". Both of the guys turned into me and stared... I thought I was dead, but they quickly turned back to face forward. I guess Bush being a Blow Head is just not an important issue...

To answer a question I'd posed in an earlier blog entry of mine, Paul Stanley of Kiss may very well be a Republican (like Gene Simmons), as his MSG picture was featured prominantly where I was, alongside other performers/athletes who are probably conservative: Martina Hingus, Evander Holyfield and... David Bowie?

One elephant said to another elephant "one more night of fun and gaiety"... this was hardly Babaar...

This one cook told me she flipped-off laura Bush's motorcade, and said that once she realized "it was her, I couldn't stop, and held it up there"

Heinz ketchup was served a plenty, and readily devoured on the pigs in blankets by the those in attendance. I noticed this one vampiress chomping away while wearing a button though that was meant to look like the Heinz logo, but said "Kerry: 57,000 ways to tax Americans"

D list performer after D list performer performed you may have noticed (or not), it always began with: "(so and so), who had a platinum record in 2000!". I swear I heard this one no-name sang the words "Can you believe, can you deceive, can you achieve, I can"

One fat cat chucked a crumpled pulled-pork stained napkin @ my tray from afar as I walked by. It missed, hit the ground, and he didn't acknowledge a damn thing...

They kept exploiting minorities after minoriites: that effeminate Cuban guy Menendez saying "my friend George Bush" and "I aim to repay my America" (meaning: I aim to repay W for the awesome tax cut I'm getting!)

Dick cheney, trying to appeal to the working class with his story about his Dad and the Railroad cars, and being born on FDR's birthday, well one Democrater Waiter had this to say about that "but he's the biggest warmongering, smug Millionaire scumbag that there is!"

Pataki, who makes W look like Einstein, erred I believe in saying "let's win one for the gipper, and lose one for the clipper!"... Uh, George (another George!) you're the Gov of NY, remember the Yankee Clipper buddy?

My old-friend the old Escalator Security Guard saying about W "he could say I'm a pea-brained imbecile, and people would applaud"...

My buddy from Chicago calling and saying "I'll give you $100 if you ______" ... I'm sure you can guess what he said, he was hinting at, well, not character assassination, but another kind, which I'm in no position to stoop to...

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Pt. 5

Yay! Bush says you can get a "College" Diploma...The Democraterwaiter Buffet Report from RNC in NYC 2004: scribbled, dribbled and civil (libeled?) pt. 7
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...so, everybody was waiting for this? This glazed over simpleton with a sock in his mouth? he has actually become a worse speaker over the 4 years he's let us down. Bush said "There's nothing complicated about supporting our troops", but there's obviously something very complicated about reading for him. He was struggling, I mean am I the only one who saw that? I think not... (According the Associated Press, he mixed up his words this past Monday reciting his stump speech and said "too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all accross the country")... man oh man, are we in trouble...

One Hispanic bartender said to another Hispanic Bartender "Give me a fuckin' break, are you kiddin' me?" when our fearfull leader slaughtered their language in his speach...

Bush refered to his Mom as "that white-haired lady over there", but the TV didn't show Barbara Bush, she must have been yakking in the john I figure...

Speaker of the House Dennis J. Hastert was a slobbering fool around the po boy sandwiches, dripping chin and all... What a pleasant man.

Bad lip-syncing by Country Music "sensation" Leanne Womack as she finished singing after the recording stopped. This went unnotoced by all the Wonderrama kids plants seated all around her...

When Kerry gave his well-deserved rebuttal after the hatefest, I overheard one guy saying to another "you hear that, he's lying on TV-he's a classless pannicking freak!"

An RNC Bumper Sticker that made its way around: "BUSH OR TERROR?"... I don't like the implications here.

well, I'm going to have to compile the rest of my stained refrains another time, see if they’re even worth telling you all, plus, I will be giving you some choice excerpts over the next couple of months from the slanderous American Conservative Union pamphlet I got at the RNC entitled "Who is John Kerry?"

Until then, later-RM

"Blah blah blah blah blah blah Bush, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Bu-u-ush, oh blah blah Bu-u-ush"... RIP Keith Moon, who died 9/07/78

Ok, it's become obvious that I have to act on this promise to divulge my notes from the RNC NOW, as time is lapsing as I continue to avoid the act of compiling them, and the convention (as well as the air of rebellion that surrounded it) is quickly becoming a distant memory. That fact is sad, as we still have 60 days to go in "the most important election of our lifetime", and people already seem as resigned to the inevitable fate of "4 more years! 4 more years!" as Red Sox fans are believed to be numbed by that neverending chant of "1918, 1918". Well, take a gander at the Red Sox, are they wilting to the pressure? Hell no, they're making an historic run against the powers-that-be (Yankees) by George (Steinbrenner) and so must be by George (W). It seems that it took the sound thumping of the Bush Bombers and all that terror talk to snap Kerry out of his malaise. The only thing it seems that could put an end to that swift Boat nonsense was Kerry making a swift return from Vietnam to the present. Remember, that crap we had in NYC last week was just a convention, ala the Shriners or the Loyal Order of the Water Buffalo and the Grand Pu-bah or whatever, it was not the General Election. The Good Ole Bush Boys tried hard to make you think that, taking cues from Clinton 8 years ago, the Academy Awards, Grammies et all, as though this was the final awards show to a blockbuster season... well, it wasn't. They could beat and drum and thump and rat-a-tat-tat all that lying lofty loopy language into our heads for a week, but we still have 2 months to get the get our heads straight. So, without further ado (and before this lengthy lead-up leaves me with nowhere to go but down), I bring you the Democrater Waiter Buffet Report from RNC in NYC 2004: scribbled, dribbled and civil (libeled?)

Six-fingered closers (and other tales of human oddity and competition)

Ok Liver Sport fans, and just about everybody else out there in blogland-first, gotta apologize profusely to all those who stopped whatever they were doing at some point on saturday to tune into "snot" only to find that, no, I did not write the RNC recap as advertised. This weekend I did just about nothing in fact, as that's one one is supposed to do over labor day weekend, right? reliving the living hell that was the convention... well, I just couldn't go there. I do plan to collect all my notes thpough and do you right Tuesday (er...today). basically, what i am going to present to you are the low lights from my corner of the RNC, splashed with a few other observations from this unfortunate period in American history. Before I pass out though (as RM needs his beauty sleep yo), I will tell you about the weirdest Liver Sport story to come my way in a while. Did you know that there are to relievers in Baseball with 6 fingers on each hand? These 2 relievers with the extra digits are closers no less, and top-notch ones to boot, they're: (first names left off for privacy... yeah right) Alfonseca on the Marlins (48 whopping saves last year) and Rodriquez on the Giants. Can they grip the ball better with these extra fingers? How about a bat, or their own bats for that matter? What do these players wives think? Hmmmm... Are there other players with 6 fingers? I dunno, but I, like the awestruck ESPN radio jock who I heard this story from, am freaked out by this. Should there be an asterisk by their records? Just picturing these hands give me the heebee-jeebies, reminded me of that flick with Gwyneth Paltrow, Jack Black and Jason Alexander, when George Costanza shows his tale.... Yyyeeechhhh!!! Ok, enough of that. Weird stuff is happening in Baseball-a pennent race is heating up at the same time as this Presidential race, as my fave Red Sox are like all of a sudden the best team in Baseball, as if Nomar was the curse himself, and Joe Torre and the Yanks are trying to cheat wins since their stupid pitcher broke his hand punchin' a wall (if he had 6 fingers, he mighta been ok) by cryin' UNFAIR to Sox players who are not getting fined and the Tampa Bay Devil Rays team for showing up late from the Hurricane b/c "the only thing that entered (their) mind(s) were being with (their) families". That sounds like a good excuse to me Joe. Aww, what's the matter? King George getting on your back? Well, before I segue into that other George (not Costanza or Steinbrenner) but W, for "wimp", I have to rest my head... and just as I was getting going too! Man oh man, dredging up those RNC memories is going to be fun. Squeeze me into your lunch break today, ok? G'night.

wo

...and be sure to tune into "Snot" this Sat. 9/04, b/c yours truly worked as a cater troll mole @ the RNC this past week (can you believe it?!), and man or man have I got some shit to tell you... You don't want to miss the inside skinny as I relate to you all the feverish lowlights-Rollo Manhattan

Rollo Rocks the GORC (Grand Olde Rock Club) CBGB tonight @ 10pm!

That's right, Rollo has secured a choice time slot tonight, Friday eve 9/03 @ CBGB (located @ 115 Bowery @ Bleecker Street), and they plan to smack the face of convention and demonstrate their firm far rockin' stance on the same platform that has been host to Patti Smith, Blondie, The Ramones, Television, The Jesus Lizard, Swervedriver, Sonic Youth, Sebadoh, Helium, JSBX and so many other great acts over the years. The stage is set for 10pm, at which point frontrunner Rollo, fresh from a smokin' appearance at the Lakeside Lounge last week, will be driving home those time-honored punk family values! -Rollo Manhattan


http://www.rollo-ny.com (hear our music, see what we look like & shit)

Rollo is:
Hubert Dulay-tweed guitar samurai
Alex Emanuel-joe strummer/vocalic leadoff
John Dillon-smasher of kit and lighter of it
Sally Donovon-blondie tonk vocalista sista

Rollo upcoming live performance fiestas:
Friday, 9/03 @ CBGB(@OMFUG) 930pm
Thursday, 9/16 @ The Luna Lounge 9pm
Thursday, 10/07 @ The Knitting Factory "Old Office" Space
Saturday, 11/06 @ The Lakeside Lounge 10pm
New Years Eve @ Wembly Stadium w/ Mick and the Stones via live satalite feed from Mars

Things R shit, but shit R things. Complain? Complacent? Come clean? Communism? Compunction? Composure? Complicity? Competence? Competition? Commander?

in Chief Cumquat... Ok, so I'm the first to admit that my last few "resentries" if you will have been for shit. About this time of year I always start to lose it, and it doesn't help that this year the fan seems to be spraying shit at me like it's going out of style, as if my dificult time this past Spring was enough for me to say, "hey, turn off that shit spraying fan already!". Perhaps if I get evicted from the Pitts I'll end up in a beautiful downtown Zoloft, who knows? I was thinking about Marvelous Marvin Gaye's classic "What's Going On?" today as I said to myself precisely that on the eve of the Big Apple elephant stampede, and I thought to myself; ok, this guy had enough problems growing up with the double negative name Marvin and Gaye, and then when he overcomes those hurdles and becomes famous, he's still perplexed by all the inequality and injustice in the world. He ends up losing lifes battle at a fairly young age, as a pretty miserable guy. Maybe the Detroit Lions should ahve just let him try out as he'd always wanted-he could have at least gone out with a smile on his face if he'd been sacked by some humongous tackle...

Today, a day after waking up pissed off at the thought of this particular smarmy dishonest brat who seems to be in it only for herself, I wake up feeling suffocated by more examples of how I seem to consistently meet the wrong people who have no drive to market and promote art we're making together, as an unpleasant realization from the last night remains stuck to the lining of my mouth like, well, you know, like something that would do such a thing (I ran out of shit adjectives). So, what do I do? I turn on the tele only to hear more crap about indifference and injustice. First, I hear about some poor Dad who lights himself up after getting word from the Army that his son is yet another casualty of this faulty war in Iraq, then, I see a piece on "The Don and Army Abu Ghraib Show" where a Millitary Intelliegnce officer seems so conditioned to seeing us commit injustice that he basically comes off as a dead human being, devoid of remorse, saying to an extent "c'est la vie" about the atrocities he witnessed in the prison. Then, I hear that the census numbers have been released, and though they report that the # of Americans uninsured and living in poverty has increased for the 3rd straight year by like 1.5 million, these reports are rushed out a month early for poilitcal reasons so that by the end of the GOP convention, no one will even rememeber them...
I need a breather, more in minute.

Ok, minute taken... So, I'm walking home and in one minute (another minute, not the taken minute) I see a model kid with fake greazy black hair, Don Johnson shadow and night sunglasses, posing with a cig welcoming hipsters into the Johnsons, a PBR bar supposed to look like the 70's style rec room he never had in high school, and in the next minute I see an old lady on all fours trying to unscrunch a Pabst can on the street surrounded by a pile of waste and excrement... Then I'm walking, and I overhear this tanned young couple talking: "he's done so much acid that he looks like Charles Manson"... Who do I think of? GW Bush. yeah, I've got him on the brain I suppose, but when i see this guy, he reminds me of this little blonde drummer kid I knew at school who sold coke. He had this inanimate nose-looked like it was constantly stuffed up, or that you could poke it and he wouldn't feel it. That's what our resident President looks liek to me, that guy, Johnny Blow, or whatever, Charles Manson the ski instructor...

Apparently, bald Rock Star Moby is best friends with near-bald Senator John McCain's son Sid McCain... strange world they live in. This is not the world I live in, though I have to pay taxes in their world. I wonder what sort of nothing Sid McCain is doing with his life? That's really what most of those kids do, right? Nothing? I hear that Mary Kate Olsen and her fatter sister were asked to introduce the talented Bush twins at the convention of lost souls next week, but their PR person turned Satan down, saying that Mary Kate was still recovering from her disorder. Apparently, Lucifer responded something to the extent of "there'll be plenty to eat" at the Bush Bonanza. Bad taste...

Who's seen those magazine ads for AXE deoderant? You know the ones that say "Dry Pits Win", with a sitting cg armpit (that looks like a pussy) being scratched by a hot chick holding a glass of vino? What the? That ad made me sick when I saw it...

Oh there's so little more to say and so much more time to say it, or... the opposite of that entirely. You guys have been great, I couldn't have done nothign with out you. Sleepy time time time.

Freddie Ljungberg models underwear for Calvin Klein but has no interest in making the leap to movies

Rapper? No. Diaper? Perhaps. Anyway, this was a fridge favorite like the Keef quote (ask me about those, or just come over), and I thought it to be timeless enough to start today's blog. Where to begin, where to begin... Hmmmm. Well, for starters, there are only 2 days to see me act in the Fringe Fest play Live Coverage: this Wed. @ 445pm and Sunday @ noon. NYTheatre.com's Judith Jarosz said I was "hilarious" if that makes any difference...

Rollo, the band, is playing a Rare, much Cooler than last week, FREE gig at The Lakeside Lounge this Friday night 8/27 sometime after 10pm. Let's face it, last week's gig sucked the big one-that place (the old Cooler) has no business booking cool bands, being the bridge and tunnel cheese factory that it is. This week, however, rollo continues on it's summer NYC tour by hitching a ride on the Lakeside Hayride, and wrenchin' the raunch outa the ranch that has been a fave nitespot for Yeast Villagers for years now. You know lakeside-a kick-ass jukebox, Rheingold Beer, Photo Booth-never thought I'd be in a band that could play there... now we'll see if we get asked back, as we loud yo. Lakeside, for the uninitiated, is on Ave. B just north of 10th Street, so come on down, and hoop and hollar like a buncha extras on Hee-Haw as we shake, rattle and Rollo...

On to other thangs. Gene Simmons (of KISS) is voting for Bush. F*cking tool, you'd figure he'd be up for masking the truth. I wonder if paul Stanley and his undevelopped ear he's always hid under his locks is joining suit. I'm sure Ace Freehley's voting for Kerry... anyone know?
Yo, can we put a swift end to this embarrassing Kerry smear campaign by the GOP and focus on the two devistating situations that are really getting out of control; namely our present Vietnam in Iraq, and the economic swoon that's rotting our country here? Let's please recognize that these are the wars that need to be won right now. We already lost in Vietnam, and then suffered a shit economic period in the 70's. isn't that enough symbolism? Let's be in the here and now in this election. Bush-we know you want to bring us back to the age of Mussolini, but recalling Nixon might not fare good for you buddy in the long run. Kerry-I love McGovern, and think Johnson was cool, esp. when he grew his hair long, but let's stay the course, ok? Don't feed the fuckers. The helmet is not too big for you...

Michelle Malkin: shut up and pose for Playboy already.

Former Mayor Ed Koch: shut up and pose for Playgirl already.

Recently, after a scare about "Killer Mold", reports said that the growing concern is overblown. Perhaps, but as someone who had a mold allergy once for a few months, I'll say that that shit scares me. That was the worst sickness I've ever had-felt like what a stroke might "feel" like w/out paralysis. I had this allergy a few years back, and could never quite explain the misery to others. Look, don't go there. Airborne mold should be used as a f*ckin' chemical weapon as far as I'm concerned-would drive those inflicted who are lesser physical specimins than myself to taking their own lives. Stock up on Vitamin C with Querciten and Echinacea (I don't care how to spell either of these words-you know what I mean), in case the epidemic hits. You've been forwarned.

In honor of Al Dvorin: Rollo Manhattan has left the building (and really, not a moment too soon, as the building was falling in all around me. My synapses today are about as unconnected as modernday Elvis Bill Clinton and his wife Hillary). Anyway, nothing else really doing, so I'm ending. I may hit Happy Ending tonight. Truthfully, I've been stressed-out about money like a mofo of late. I'm no longer working at that sweatshop restaurant, and all I seem to do is send out packages for my music and acting like they're going out of style. Thank God the women folk still see the Elvis in me. I did finally get to the goddamn beach Sunday, but only to have my last visual there be not the beautiful waves, shiny sand and sunny skies, but some old guys monstrous, otherworldly, diseased whale-worm penis hanging down from his beach chair. Porno star to-be, perhaps (if a chopped-off one can make the cut, this mongo martian man-meat on an old gay guy surely can), but he will not be modeling for Calvin Klein anytime soon. Wo.

"We just had our tongues out and would take any old slag down the coal hole for a quick one"-Keith Richards

No, this entry isn't about the groupie slurpy. As much as I'm a fan, and have forsaken my pride for a ride from time to time, I just dig that quote from Keef and wanted to share it with you... HEY ARE YOU OUT THERE?! Let me say again that I can't sleep these days knowing that I let all my loyal readers down by not blog belching for a good 2 weeks. I see that the average viewer now logs on here for like .2 seconds b/c he/she sees that it's all old crap. I'm not immune to this. I probably would have "squoze" out a lit-shit from time to time over those 2 weeks if this Goddamn blog thing wasn't so unruly. I ask you (yeah, you): does anyone else out there have the same problem I do if you want to change old entries? Everytime I log into the blog I have to cut/past the changes (I made ions ago) to my main "snot" title, as well as a P-Diddy entry I did like when I was twelve that keeps reverting to it's original state. It's a drag, and has almost made me feel like scrapping this whole thing... but thanks to the overwhelming encouraging fanmail I've gotten from one-legged nymphos in Saskatchawan telling me to keep on pressing on (yeah, right), I'm here today... So, I've got a few beefs... God, I love that saying, who came up with it? I got some beefs, yo, I got a beef wichew! Yeh, dasright, BEEF, not no pawk loin or chiken fingahs or filet o' sole or nuna that shit, BEEF, %100 percent grade-A roast of ribbing, chuckaluck mig-non style bay-bee!... F*ck, I forgot what it was...

Vincent Gallo, skyboxin' with Rick Ocasek, gettin' a Brown Bunny hummer from Chloe Sevigny (damn has she let herself go in real life, how does she look so damn good in reel life?). I met Vin-spento once, well, didn't really meet him, saw him, and was appalled at his pretentiousness (he was head to toe "electric horseman"). I happen to be a huge fan of Buffalo '66, but that doesn't mean I could ever like this guy. It's like the actor Michael Shannon, too damn ugly and cool for school-aw, I'm weeping, thinking of kids gettin' punch drunk on their heads in middle school. Hell, that happened to me, but I didn't become a DICK. The bottom line with Gallo is that this guy calls himself a conservative Republican-alright then, go stump for Bush-like he'd give you the time of day?! Vinny m'boy, he'd think you were a drag queen alien wimpshit commie. So what's the point, Mr. "Provocateur" of provoking us by saying stuff that just makes you sound like an idiot? True, bleeding Tim Robbins-types make me ill too, but you make no sense. I'd think you were way cooler if you said that Bush was a nazi and that you got Chloe to suck you off b/c you wanted a blowjob from her, not b/c the film had to have a real nub-scrub because it's "art" and that's what art films have. Then, furthermore, to deny that that scene is why people are into the film is just plain, well, denial. "Long after I'm dead, which is any day now" you say?... give me a break Gallo, you rich fake talented fuck...

I'm gonna have to leave this entry in a minute before the Blog-a-m'gogue refreshes itself and I lose all my quite unfresh thoughts that I just wrote for you, but first, an entreaty to the girl from Morningwood: ok, so your bangin' everybody, but you haven't banged anybody until you've banged me...

Will someone tell me what the Gotti kids( Bruno Boy, Ol' Vic and Luigi I think are their names)are like on TV, b/c I haven't had the time to check that shit out (I don't watch TV, except for when the Yankees and Red Sox brawl)...

Did anyone else enjoy the NY Sunday Post's exclusive "The Perfect Summer Panties" article a few weeks back as much as I did? Pubic hair apparently not, b/c i haven't heard anything about it. Then again, if I did, it probably would have been reported all wrong, liek when Devo Jerry Casale's shlong fell out of his drawers and it was reported that his "drawstring pants gave way, and he didn't have a free hand to pull (them) back up"... like he kept playing with his pants down? He's not Iggy, and wasn't getting jiggy, he didn't even know that his sack was flapping in the wind from his shorts. you'd think that with all the people who saw it that a major paper would have reported it as it was... anyway, I don't care...

Last thoughts: Miller Beer has no Black rockers on their commemorative cans for 50 years of R&R. Who cares? Are people really crushed by this? Yes, it was a dumb mistake to exclude black performers, but this is beer, and Miller beer for that matter...

Oh,I almost forgot:
Rollo is playing at the old Cooler, some place called Rare Thursdays, tonight at 11pm for $6. It's at 416 west 14th Street, and we won't be on any Miller beer cans there... also, come see LIVE COVERAGE at the Fringe, it's funny, and I'm good.

Lethargic shleppers only arts grub jam

... the nitty's gotta wait. I will try to fill you all in sometime this weekend though about Maine, "the way life should be", their southern flea markets, driving, driving and more driving, being an "older brother" figure to young hotties who can't seem to not let others look up their dresses, faulty reports about flying Devo boners, No more Garciapara, Tyson the twig, rehersing with 51 yr old ex-beauty queen stewardesses who love guys with poney tails, slinging margaritas until I'm sweating tequila, exploding shellac in the face, impenetrable DMVs and the Xmas tit lights on the SE corner of Bowery and Houston in my next enrty in the blog dragon.

A Long day's journey into an even longer day still

Ok, so it's been a while. site meter says that I may have lost all those that were consistantly reading "snot" over the 2 weeks that I've failed to entry-tain the ideas that had made this blog the runaway success that it's never been. Unbelieveable that here it is Friday the 13th of August and this is my first rant of the month. I've got so much to talk about that I don't even know here to start. The only way to do one of these things is do it like you light up; the feeligns just gotta come on and then it's too late to turn back-and suddenly among the throngs of the young hacking a lunger full of dung out of hunger from the tongue. Before I try to dislodge some dis from my memory of my last 2 weeks lost, I have a couple o' announcements for you (are you there?):

Tonight, Friday the 13th, I the musician am playing with my ultra-band Rollo (www.rollo-ny.com) at Trash in Billyburg, and I urge you all to follow me down to mash the jillyglurg with the multitudes of villyslurg that'll be rawkin'. Trash is located at 256 Grand Street, b/w Driggs and Roebling-you just take the L train to Bedford and walk a few blocks in hipstervile until you here the pied piper of Rollo. We're set to roll at 10pm-ish, and there'll be some other fine bandersnatchers there to rip it up as well b4 and after: Bolero, Junkface, Walk Humongous and The Bosol...

Sunday night at 945pm, I, the actor, will be actoring in a hilarious new spot-on, topical Fring Fest play called "Live Coverage". It's being put on by project 7, and the other showtimes are: Wed 8/18 @ 3pm, Fri 8/20 @ 945pm, Wed 8/25 @ 445pm and Sun 8/29 @ Noon. The venue is the Access Theatre, located at 380 Broadway, on the 4th Fl. (just 2 blocks south o' Canal Street). "Live Coverage" is the most trusted name in satire, and is a play about Women, Iraq, the Media and Camels. For tix, go to www.fringenyc.org, or call 212-279-4488...

I will now close this entry and get on to the nitty.

Time Out of it

Recently, Time Out-NY had a special that claimed to be everything you needed to know about the NY Music scene, and they listed bands that were on their way to being the next big thing or some shit. It was called All-Access or something pretentious like that, and the article tried to be everything to everybody, listing bands that probably play mostly at Kenny's or The Lions Den alongside those who frequently play Tonic. Let me go on record as saying that Time Out doesn't know a thing about the music scene. They proved that years ago when they said that the boring NYC band Versus was going to break out big, this after they'd already been around for years annoying the shit out of listeners. The only thing I learned from this article was the exact address of Tommy's Tavern (1041 Manhattan Ave. in Greenpoint)...

Well, Wednesday came and went, as did Thursday. The summer is flying by and no one with no money seems to be able to take a breather anymore/appreciate this short and sweet season. Vacation? what the f*ck does that mean? Yesterday, as I was riding my bike from a bogus Agency interview on the West Side around 23rd St., it occured to me to check out the water off the W'Side Hway, something I used to have time to do all the time in the summer. I rode over and fell asleep for like a half hour on a bench somehwere along the beautifully renovated Hudson river promenade. Damn, summer's almost gone and this was like the first time I wasn't so stressed that I had a moment to chill like that... Anyway, it felt profound, can't really explain it here...

So glad that Al Sharpton attacked GW Bush for trying to appeal directly to Black voters recently. How dare our President lie and talk down to African Americans and say that they'd have more political leverage with the GOP party. Who is he kidding? I actually think that Fat Al set the right tone for the last couple of days of the Dem convention, b/c Kerry had some fire in him. How cool is it that Kerry wrote his own speach? We MUST slaughter, I mean SLAUGHTER the republicans in November. They don't know what they have in store for them when they roll into town for their garden party in a month...

A couple of quick things, as I have to run:
the Blue Jays Carlos Delgado is the coolest MLB player. I'm sure you've heard how he refuses to stand and salute when they play "God Bless America" at games. he's acting on principal out of protest of the misguided Iraq war. More power to him. Hit 'em hard, hit 'em far man (just not against the Red Sox)...

I may have already said this, but as the GOP has reminded us again of Cheney telling a Dem official to f*ck himself ever since Kerry's wife said "shove it" to some right-wing reporter who'd be consistantly doggin' her, I was wondering whether y'all had seen in the Daily News a quote from Teddy Roosevelt that they printed recently. If not, please remember these words from our 26th president: "To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public"...

I'll try to write more original thoughts next time. Oh, you can check out some cd reviews I've written (as Alex Emanuel) at this website http://www.kevchino.com. I'll be doing more for them... RM

"The party-unifying target is that Man in the White House and his coldblooded coterie of warmongering neocon homophobic tax cutters"-William Safire

I wish I came up with that line... Ahhhh, convention time. Fresh from hosting the greatest rivalry in Sports, with 3 high-scoring slugfests (and I mean slugfests) between the Bronx Bombers and the Red Sawx, b/w A is for Asshole Rod, Ruben Sier-ROID, Gary Shef- Boy-our-D(efense is Better than the Red Sox Defense) and co. vs. Jason Vari-TKO, Craig Let's Panic, No More? Garciapara and co., Boston rallied to take on those great white Elephant Republicans, with speachafying up the wazzoo. First, let me get the rest of my little Liver Sport thought out of the way. This Yankee Military-Might defeat by the hands of the Better Dead than Red Sox proved to be a series that not only saw 2 new spellings for Miller time (Millar Time and Mueller Time) for us dedicated Sox fans, but I think it also may have breathed a little fire into the Dem convention, which has helped make some of those wind bags soar. Not that they needed to see A-Rod get his face shoved in, but it may prove to be symbolic of hopefully flattening the GOP Fat Cats in November. Now, onto the major players at the Convention thus far: well, let's face it, Bill Clinton is just a damn good speaker. I, for one, remaina bit wary of Bill and Hill (Hill esp.), but Bill can still drill and thrill like no other. I missed poor Al gore's speach, but I'm happy the man has a platform to remind us fo some of those wrong doings 4 years back that have led to all those wrong doigns by the Bush Klan these past 4 years. I read that he asid something like "I, being the first person laid off by this administration..." or something like that. Brilliant. Tonight, I heard a few speaches: those by Dean, Gephardt, Ron Reagan and Teddy K, but the speach that delivered the most was the one by this Obama guy from IL. No wonder they say that he'll be the first black Prez (when he's not even a Senator yet). This skinny Jim has got it; the voice, the compassion, the charisma, the looks. Tim Russert's Tiger Woods analogy was a little too obvious, and didn't need to be said (becasue it's kind of demeaning-I mean, Golf isn't even a Sport), we were all thinking it. I missed Teresa Heinz Kerry's speach, so I don't know whether she told Dick Cheney to "Shove It" (by the way, that's waht A-Rod told Varitek-you see, Cheney doesn't realize that his verbal diarhea affects people. I used to think of A-Rod as a Tiger Woods type, but no more, as I said, A is for Asshole Rod), but I do know how pathetic it is to hear that Conservatives accross the country are now boycotting Heinz Ketchup. You'd think that they already would have been using only Hunt's Tomato Catsup, as H.L. Hunt was a notorious Right Winger...

Ok, sleep awaits-have to rise way too early for a shoot, and my thoughts are getting sloppy. I had more to spew, but will have to wait until Wed.

Rollo plays tonight at humongous Bushwick Brooklyn Loft/Roof Party @ 10pm w/ DJ's and sh*t

The Preemptive Bash: a party to celebrate the defeat of George W. Bush July 24th, starts at 8pm 1089 Willoughby Ave., #304 (b/w Wilson & Central Aves) in Bushwick. 3 in 1
festivities: dancefloor w/ djs Rhizone, Sean Smith and others, a "chillout" zone, food, drink and cool rock bands like us... Hope to see you there. call me if you need directions 646-325-8719. It's not my party, but I can tell you how to get there baby.

"Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair" -George Burns

Oh God, hot damn. A couple of quick thoughts:

There's a new reality show called "Amish in the City". My first instinct was to second the reviewer who's review I read said that this was totally unacceptable and repugnant TV programming (as if previous reality shows haven't been). I do think we're treading into some pretty dangerous territory here when we exploit those whose beliefs are "old fashioned" or not consistent with the media, but the review failed to mention that taking some Amish kids to LA and introducing them to vices and other temptations that run against their cultural ways of thinking is in keeping with the common practice of the Amish of sending their teens away for a year to f*ck around int he city so that they know what the outside world has to offer. I forget the name of this ritual, but I believe there was a story not so long ago where an Amish teen got busted for dealing coke while he was on one of these excursions to manhood. Exploiting this rite of passage in a TV show though still smacks to me of some form of slave trade or something though...

Governor Arnold "Kindergarden Cop" Schwarzenegger called some Democratic legislators "girlie men". Campaign advisor for the CA Dem party said in reply "I've always considered him a jerk, and this just reinforced that". It also won't be the last mistep by the barbarian I'm sure, and it's just a matter of time before he starts showing his Nazi ways. Terminate his governorship, asap.

Hey guys, no more tucking, according to the fashion police, shirt tails are a flyin'. Damn, so I've been at the forefront of future fashion forever and I didn't even know it...

Liver Sports report: The Yankees are 10 games ahead of the Red Sox in first place with the best record in Baseball and they've reahced a "crisi point" in their starting rotation, so much so they they are most likely going to persuade the Diamondbacks to give them Randy Johnson, on eof the best pitchers of all-time, for most likely Miguel Cairo or something. When is enough enough? In getting rid of George W. Bush, I think we should also consider sacking George Steinbrenner, as he may in fact be ruining baseball like Dubya's been ruining the country.

So, NY Post Master Murdoch is bankrolling Ralph Nader's book to get the Nader word out there, like he really cares about what's written. This news comes to us just as we hear that republicans accross the country are helping Nader get on the Prez ballots by signing them like theres no tomorrow, to insure that Nader voters are not "disenfranchised". F*cking lying, self serving hypocritical bastards. Let's take the advice of Devo and Holocaust survivor Michel Thomas, who really experienced the collapse of a Democracy. Listen to this man when he reminds us that "Hitler did not come to power by force, but by the rules of Democratic law... it was the uneducated people who brought Hitler to power". Sound familiar? Look, I voted for Nader once already, but now's not the time, dig? Don't be stupid.

911 Panel says: we are not safe, 90210 panel says: duh, Devo says: are we not men?

It's been a long time since I blogged my soul. I'll try my best to recap (no, not decap-been there, done that (see blogs of yor). When last you saw Rollo Manhattan in Manhattan, he was fessing up to a blog blunder. That particular entry got more feedback than most on here in fact. Here's one anon response: "I read today's blog and I thought it was really great. I don't know whose feelings you hurt in your blog but if I were the particular friend, I would forgive you. In fact, I give you permission to slam me hard in your blog
sometime. Friendships are complex truces between two naturally egotistical egos and venting is natural & healthy... I also liked your analysis of Randy Johnson & Pedro Martinez & Curt Schilling (?) (I can't remember the third pitcher exactly) and how you
called them "offensive" pitchers who provoke batters. Terrific. Did you come up with that analysis yourself?". Yup, all by my lonesome...

Anyway, now on to new things. It's not easy to recap, as I find that when I try to do that I tend to scatter ideas all over the place-which isn't bad if ideas are like basehits, and you're a pitcher who scatters them throughout a game and the opposing team just never seems to get them in a clutter (and thus score runs), but it's bad if you're that tough luck team, and I generally liken these types of entries to being like one of those teams. I'll do my best though, whether my best is good enough or not... here goes: I don't think I mentioned in my last blog about the Siren Fest in Coney Island, which I managed to attend for the duration of 3 bands only (as I didn't show up until 330pm and I had work at 6pm). In short, I saw sections of 3 band sets; those of The Constantines, TV on The Radio and The Fever. Of course I wanted to see Mission of Burma and Death Cab, but couldn't, and I've seen Blonde Redhead many times (I know Simone) and they most likey would've been fantastic as usual, and ATWKUBT Trail of Dead I've seen too, and I'm sure they would have thrown down as they're more than able. Here are my thoughts on those acts that I did catch: The Constantines were consistantly a yawner, The Fever had absolutely no fever pitch to speak of-a big disapointment live, as their cd sounds pretty good, but TV on the Radio? Hell, they exceeded my expectations by far, and have that special something which will def. make them go far, even if they're tabbed the Living Colour of Indie Rock or something stupid like that...

I don't need to comment on my 911 panel header as that whole fiasco speaks for itself. I will say though that I saw Devo last night with Stellastar* and The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, and they were absolutely f*cking phenomenal. Even with the downer downpour all day up to the show and the rain-on-cue as soon as they finished their final encore, Devo delivered-o. I for one never thought I'd see these guys live, and here they were, these fat 50 year old guys w/ receding hairlines decked out in torn and frayed yellow jumpsuits whipping it into shape and the crowd into a frenzy. They rocked, harder than most bands I've seen in ages. People forget that, unlike Kraftwerk, Devo was a guitar band first and foremost. It was unreal seeing their cross generational fans too with flower pot hats chanting along, and a surreal scene afterwards to be sure as we all moved in a cluster f*ck all happy and content under umbellas singing Devo tunes as the sky opened up something fierce on us. All these fake looking yuppysiders stared in awe at the spectacle of the throngs of Devotees making their collective way to the subway. It could have been like the Who concert circa '78 if we weren't all so damn satisfied after seeing Devo sing that they can't get no satisfaction. There was only one unfortunate part of the concert (only because it made those who saw it laugh at the band, as opposed to laugh along with it), that was when one of Devo-after they'd stripped into their black shorts, high sox and knee pad soccer player ensemble-started bopping up and down to the degree that his shlong and ball package fell out of his shorts and flapped along like a wet sock in the wind. It was funny b/c Sara (my friend with whom I attended the concert) had just said to me "his shorts are way too short". They were, in relation to those worn by the other bandmembers, but just as I was about to take umbridge with her comment and say that those Umbro-style short shorts were all the rage back when, out popped this Devo dong and donut duo... and then again... and then again. Anyway, enough of that. Devo rocked man, shwance appearance or no shwance appearance, as did Karen O and co. before them (we didn't get there in time wo see Stellastar*, but I'd seen them a couple months back at Irving and they blew me away). We went to the Devo afterparty afterwards and I managed to give a Rollo cd to a beaming Karen O, who told me she'd listen to it pront-o. I kissed her on the cheek and told her I was in love with her (not really, I mean I did kiss her, and I do love her, but i didn't tell her). I also gave a cd to the Cure-esque guitarist of Stellastar*, who laughed as he read the blurb "Holy f*ckin' sheep shit, contains 2 extra tracks!!!" that I'd affixed to our 3 song cds... Anyway, very cool evening...

I'm going to end this entry here and start another, as I'm afraid I'm about to lose all I've written to the self-refresh that seems to happen to my shit computer after I write for long periods of time like this. Talk soon-RM

Defense Offensive: cutting up, spending time on and taking one's own initiative

Imagine if we could increase spending on time itself, as that is where our spending goes the most. Would cutting spending on time make us cut to the chase more often though, or would it just cut the time we have even more? Hmmmm... well, I'm not here to speak about spending actually, but to spend a slice of my time in defense of cutting-up, taking one's own (key word: own) initiative and speaking freely (as our constitution allows), even when that which is being spoke may come off as offensive at times. Confused? Well so am I, so I'm going to try to straighten things out here. I'm penning these words b/c I accidentally offended someone whom I love deeply in these pages recently, even though I thought I had taken pains not to do so. After this was brought to my attention, I went back and realized that, yeah, I didn't quite say what I had meant to say, I got carried away, and was unintentionally offensive. I can be a loose cannon sometimes, that I know, but I would never mean to offend someone who did not deserve a good bit o' venting. This blog is my free-for-all, bare in mind, and anyone reading it should remain aware of that, or not read it at all. I do make mistakes on it, and this was a mistake for which I am definitely accountable. This is a personal public journal, one which I've chosen to share with you, and while you will not hear me say everything that's on my mind (as that would be just plain stupid), I will not refrain from speaking my mind. Sometimes my words are meant to provoke, but sometimes, as was the case here, I just string them together badly. I'm not being paid for this, and am normally accountable to no one, no proof reader, editor, authority figure, no one, so I'll skewer whomever I want, but this wasn't a case where I meant to skewer. This does not excuse the facts, but let me just say that, more often than not, I just simply say things the wrong way rather than say the wrong things (I hope). What I said here was not meant AT ALL as an indictment of choices made, but merely a statement saying where I stand on these things. I can be opinionated, have weird ideas perhaps and screwy principals, and as this is my blog, they will come out from time to time. I'm also a cut-up, and some things I say, I say merely to play Devil's Advocate, not because I'm necessesarily trying to provoke. I do find it kind of funny that I am not taken seriously often when I should be, but then something I say off the cuff is taken seriously... but that's neither here nor there. I totally apologize, and I didn't mean what I said to be taken any other way than how I meant it, which was just a momentary thought, not so well thought out, that I needed to express. Keep in mind that I write songs, and they are meant to raise eyebrows, always. As I stated in my blog header, this is like an extended song of mine, and I say let people get what they want out of this. If lyrics I write mean one thing to one person and a completely different thing to someone else, that's cool. I also tend to take chances. Hell, my whole frickin' professional life thus far has been a chance taken, and sometimes, well, yeah, I get taken too. What I don't want to do, however, is chance hurting those I love in any way. If you know me, you know that. Sometimes I question whether some people who purport to know me really do (but that's a subject for another entry). Now, I can go back and delete blog history here if I want, but as I can't do that in real life, I won't invoke the Blog Stalin. I sincerely hope that my word/repentance will suffice, and things aren't taken personally that should not be (and, well, ok, I'll do a little bit of editing too). I posess a super-conscience you see, as well as a rather perfectionist/artist mentality that takes me over sometimes, and as that was a pretty offensive piece of writing by me in many ways, it deserves a little nip and tuck... Now I'd like to get back to my musings on defense and offense. These are 2 words that are most often taken to mean the exact opposite of one another, right? The act of defending, or to defend means to protect, whilst to offend means to excite anger, affront and annoy. Naturally, the word defense was a more popular choice to label the U.S. military, when in fact, our country has rarely had to defend, and have really used our spending to promote an unequaled super power offense. This makes sense when you think of sports, where the glamour players are those with great offense, not those wimpy defenders (whom we all know are of equal importance). We forget though that the word offense also conjurs up images of mean-spirited aggressive behavior, resentment and bad attitude. Pitchers Roger Clemens, Pedro Martinez and Randy Johnson are really examples of offensive pitchers, b/c they provoke batters. Those pitchers may be going the way of the batter who incites (notice how you don't see too many Ty Cobb-type hitters come to the plate anymore), but i dunno. The military could actually capitalize on the misconception that the word receives from Sports-why call our military might our Defense, when really, we're out there offending the shit out of people all over the world. They could just call it what it is; our Offense. Or, maybe they should call it our Deforce, which more adequately describes our knack of witholding stuff by force from less-strong countrys who may be the rightful owners... Anyway, I had more to say on other fun subjects, but my lack of clarity is becoming quite clear to me as I grow more and more weary at this late hour... One final note: Rollo is playing a special early show this Wednesday night, July 21st at Sin-e, located at 150 Attorney Street b/w Stanton and Houston. We're on at 8pm sharp-hope to see you there. www.rollo-ny.com

Britney litany: "I'm Britney Spears, & I'm NOT an alcoholic... but I do support Bush. Still, I'm just an employee in this maximum war they've waged"

I'll give her that (that's she's no drunk), and that she does, or did (support Bush). Hey, before I mention that I finally saw Farhenheit 911 last night and that it was all that and more (read: genius, scathing, beautiful, disturbing, amazing, unbelievable), apparently I wasn't the only one who noticed the NY Post's latest front page gaffe yesterday. They splashed a picture of Britney obviously drinking one of those little deli ginsing bottles w/ the headline "Britney Hits the Bottle". I was like, "are you kidding me!?", as I read on about the "boozing bottle blonde" caught in these "shocking" photos "swilling what appears to be a mini-bottle" of alcohol in broad daylight. Who runs that paper and gives the go ahead on it's stories? Anybody with a pea-sized brain would recognize that she was not drinking booze yo-was actually happy to read today that she's filing a lawsuit. There's no way she'll get a retraction from the right wing media monsters who run that rag, as Republican's don't admit to making mistakes you know. Damn, this is gonna be an easy payday for Britney. Maybe she can then buy a legit pair of shorts, b/c those cut-off short-shorts she's usually seen wearing cannot possibly be giving her bush much support anymore... Ok, that was bad, so sue me. I just can't get over the Post sometimes. How does toilet paper like that get away with calling itself a newspaper, and not merely the tabloid it is? They consistantly get stuff wrong and can be in-your-face with outrageously biased/politicized reporting. Sometimes I laugh, but during this important election year, my integrity level has been going bonkers when I've opened up this paper. I'm not sure whether I can read it again (a statement I'm sure which means very little to absolutly no one). Reading it for me has become like using a product for a sponser/company that I know is wrong. We all boycot Coors, but that at least can refresh. The republicans talk about values but then they willing compromise the intelligence of their constituency/readers. Not that I'm going to immediately dump Citibank and Time Warner because of their apparent shady dealings-something I was made aware of in Michael Moore's brilliant flick-but they're just corrupt companies providing me with necessary services. Besides, I never chose Citibank anyway, they bought EAB, not me. As to Time Warner, well I don't have a home phone, so I've no choice if I want to continue computing from my crib... Anyway, gotta run, but let me join the chorus singing praise of Fahrenheit 911 with the mantra SEE IT NOW! SEE IT NOW! I will not be happy until the Bush gestapo has been trounced in the elections, yes, trounced. After then, let the independent council hearings begin and try those bastards on war crimes, crimes against America and humanity, high treason and contempt of everything under the sun...

I was gonna add some Liver Sport stuff to todays' blog, but I'll just drop one on you as sports seem kind of trivial to talk about now. There's really no connection b/w the following quote and what I was just talking about (and if there can be, I don't care to elaborate on it), I just thought it was a great quote. It appeared on the Boston Red Sox website today, and it's by the honorable Pedro Martinez. I don't necessarily agree with what he says, but I dig the way he says it. After he was not tabbed to start the first game of the 2nd half of the season for the team, he told reporters "I wasn't chosen to pitch the first game. Whoever was chosen to pitch the first game is going to. (The Manager) chose me to pitch the second game, I'm going to pitch in the second game. If he throws me out for the first one, I'll pitch in the first one. I'm only an employee here."

I was also going to comment on the report that Governor Pataki pays his interns $13 p/hr while refusing to up the minimum wage from a paltry $5.15 p/hr, but this gross injustice speaks for itself. I remember seeing a TV news story over 10 years ago on a proposed minimum wage increase, in which a reporter asked some inner city teenagers their oppinion on the matter. This one kid chimes in "they what? Damn, you need at least $10 an hour just to survive man!". As I said, that was over 10 years ago.

In conclusion, make no attempt to really tie together these very disparate entries today. Whether Britney or her Bush are drinking or not, I don't know. I, however, do know that I had quite a few last night, and it has made writing a bit tough today.

P Diddy dumb did he do? Perhaps, but while there’s no love for Courtney anymore, Slim is fast to Whoopi daisy Cutter over Pussy Prez “hatefest” remar

I got some good feedback on my succinct Celebrity reviews of a couple days back, and I got some good feedback from my guitar at le Rollo rehersal tonight as well. I’m not here to speak Rollo right now though-will just say that we rock and Rollo'd, and fought of course-but we're not going the way of Metallica yet (in regards to therapy), as we hashed it all out on a street corner after slugging only beers at Bar 119. I do think it's ironic though that I'd written here a few times about bad band shit before I saw that article in Sunday's Times; “The Shrinking of the American Band”. Am I spot-on or am I spot- on this thing yo? Here's a quote from the article: "bands' dynamics are similar to those of marriages (in that they relay on long term consensual bonds) and sibling relationships (in that they frequently involve rivalries" nuff said…
So, I'm gonna add more to the short list of celebs I've encountered and the impression (or lack thereof) that they left on me. This may be yet another ongoing feature here, and def. a reason for the one reader of “snot” (beiside myself) to keep tuned in. First I want to say a couple things about 2 "musicians" turned "actors", P Diddy and Courtney Love, and make light, not Whoopi, of the recent Goldberg flap. As to P Diddy (otherwise known as Puff Daddy, Snuff Druggy and Poof He Deady), well, let me just say that I was prepared to dis gladly his performing on the great white way (do they still call it that?) in “Raisin in the Sun”, esp. as I read that he said that not until "the 100th show" was he able to take risks onstage. Then, however, I read how he gave major props to the craft of stage acting/actors in general, saying that they are "underpaid and overworked, and it needs to get better. For 4 hours you turn your life inside out to do this. Nobody -nobody- works harder than actors". Right on P. I love this guy now. I'd give him another 100 runs to get it right if he needed it, just drop Ashton Kutcher as your wheel boy, ok?.... Courtney Love? Well, she falls on the opposite side of the spectrum for me, as she's had more than enough time to prove that she's worth the surgically enhanced slab of flesh that she thrusts in our faces. I don't even pity the fool. Good riddance I say, and thank Godsmack her daughter apparently has someone else to see to her well being these days, instead of being stuck with that freak, who just aint well. Let me just say this: when I recorded with Steve Albini last year, I just had to ask him about certain individuals he'd worked with in the past, one being Ms. Love. Well, he paused for a second, and then said, and I paraphrase: "I've met many, many people over the years doing this, but I have to say that she is by far the worst human being that I have ever met"... Finally, I just wanted to say how sad it is that Whoopi Goldberg (who, along with Hillary Clinton is a woman who’s not speaking primetime at the Dem convention) gets fired by Corporate America for expletives said about Bush (comparing him to a twat, or couter or pussy or something), but Dick Cheney, Mr, Corporate America, can swear at whomever he likes and hold his job (until he figures out a way to remove himself or grow hair to strengthen the GOP ticket). President Pussy missed an opportunity there. Kerry spokeswoman Stephanie Cutter was right to say that “Bush should get his head out of the clouds and address the real need of the American people”, like fixing Cheney and the economy. On that note, I give you some more succinct reviews of celebrities I've come into contact with:

Vincent D'Onofrio- about as cool as they come
Jack Nicholson- cooler
Jon Stewart- somewhere in between the previous 2 on the cool scale
Matt Dillon- bigger head than any big head previously mentioned
Sarah Jessica Parker- looks like a malnourished colt
Juliette Lewis- butt ugly
Governor Pataki- left no impression whatsoever
Steve Buscemi- reminded me of a Steve Buscemi character
Aaron Eckhart- way smaller than you'd think
Joaquin Phoenix- blocky, hair lippy
Robert Redford- a very tan, wrinkled dwarf
Iggy Pop-very cool, wrinkled dwarf
Adam Goldberg- cannot for the life of me understand how this guy keeps booking acting jobs
Ethan Hawke- poseur (I know, I’ve already said that)
Renee Zelwigger- looks even more like a red pucker-faced chipmunk in real life
Bette Middler- an annoying nag
Cindi Lauper- an annoying voice emanates from this woman
Woody Allen- would he be full of himself? Hmmmm…
Conan O'Brien- a veritable giant, with a homohabelius sized noggen ala Jaws in Moonraker
Michael J. Fox- short and shaky (sorry Michael)
Harvey Keitel- profoundly ugly in a striking way
Tommy Lee Jones- see above description of Harvey Keitel
Elle McPherson- I shared a bathroom with her and waited to hear her pee before I went-a testament to her profound beauty
Monica Lewinsky- rotund
Lili Taylor- eats with her hands
Gavin Rosdale- gay

I gotta go to bed now