Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Part 1: Gettin’ Play by Player: when Kangaroo Kobe came a Courtin’

The following is an edible tran-strip of Eagle County Sheriff’s Detectives intercourse with Kobe “I Need A” Bryant the night after he did the ol’ in-out in his Colorado hotel room, a whiz-bang that led to rape allegations. This tran-strip was first published by Game Facial, a local fanzine of the region. It recently appeared in a censored version in tabloids nationwide after Team Bryant was succesfully able to force the "star fucking" accuser to drop her allegations by threatening to ruin what little was left of her life.
____________________________________________
Det 1: We just want to talk to you about it, and find out your side of the story and what and who went down.
Det 2: But we, like you, don’t want to do it in front of everybody.
Kobe: All right, but this shit’s personal. Who’s side of the story you gonna follow? This is my career.
Det 2: We’re not here to destroy your career or your image, but we do have a serious matter at hand to resolve. This is our job, so just cooperate, ok? Matter at hand, job, get it?
Kobe: Ask me what, ask me how, ask me anything, but ask me now.
Det 2: Did you have a “female party” last night?
Kobe: Um…. next question.
Det 2: Same as the first.
Kobe: So that’s how it’s gonna be, huh? Ok, I dig. Yeah, I was with a “lady” who showed me around her… yes, did she say I did something to her? She showed me around the pool, she came… to my room, she showed me her back view, I mean, the back view, where she bared all and came, I mean all the bears come… up to the window, and that’s about… it. We shot the shit and that was it, finito. I speak Italian.
Det 2: Apparently. So, what’d you guys “shoot the shit” about?
Kobe: Just shot the shit like I said. She asked me what I was here for, I told her to get down on her knees… I mean, my knee… you know, what I was here for… my knee… yeah.
Det 2: And…?
Kobe: Um… she wanted to be a singer, like in the shower an’ shit-not a golden one mind you I…
Det 2: Go on.
Kobe: Um, she had like, um her tattoo, w/ like music and instruments n’ shit on it, queer like.
Det 1: Did you ask her to come last night so you could… check her out?
Kobe: Come back to my room, yeah. That’s when she showed me the tat.
Det 2: Ok… where was her “tat”?
Kobe: Oh, shit… Um, she had one on her ankle, legit like, and said she had one on her backside wit’ notes, of the musical variety.
Det 2: Was it cool?
Kobe: Um, yeah… sorta… she showed me.
Det 2: How did she show you?
Kobe: She had like a strap on… not a strap-on fellas, I mean, heh heh shit, but but… uh, anyways, she lowered it. I told her to turn around and she lowered it and she showed me.
Det 2: She lowered the boom so to speak, huh? So, uh did you guys hug or kiss or… spoon?
Kobe: No.
Det 1: Okay. Um, I’ll be blunt and ask you. Did you fuck her Kobe?
Kobe: No.
Det 1: Okay. Um, yet there is an allegation that unconsensual fucking occurred last night, okay. All right. (Kobe starts weeping like a baby) Hang on, okay, hang on sloopy... er, Kobey, don’t get excited. Look, I understand you have every right to be upset, okay, but you know, I’m giving you an opportunity to tell the truth if something did happen. She, she submitted to, she submitted to an exam. Okay.
Kobe: Aw man, you’re shittin’ me? Look, is there any way I can settle this, whatever it is, I mean…?
Det 1: Well… what do you mean by settle? How much “settling” are we talking here?
Det 2: Doug, uh uh, not a good idea.
Det 1: Righto, damn.
Det 2: Your tellin’ me.
Kobe: Look guys, uh, can I call you guys? If my wife found out that anybody made any type of allegations against the Kobester, she would have my ass, and I’d never hear the end of it. That’s all I care about.
Det 1: Mr. Bryant, look, I understand your concerns and frustrations, okay, I’m on a short leash myself, but I need to find out if this actually happened. I mean, it could have been a complete turn on, er… come on. I mean she could have been leading you on, or… whatever.
Det 2: She consented to an exam.
Kobe: Right, you said.
Det 2: We received blood, pubes…
Kobe: Gotcha.
Det 2: Semen.
Kobe: Okay, okay! Fuck… damn I hate that word…. You sure it was mine?
Det 1: Your semen. We’ve got the physical evidence right here in a petri dish.
Det 2: It’s in a beeker.
Kobe: That’s some sick shit man.
Det 2: So… be straight up with me Ko… be. The hairs, they were black, and they weren’t straight up-you know what I’m saying? Yao Ming wasn’t “in the house”. Is there any reason why any of your pubic hair…?
Kobe: Christ, you really gotta go there?
Det 2: Just be straight up, we’re not gonna tell your wife or your coach or anything like that. Did you do the wild thing with her?
Kobe: Uh… this is what I need to know fellas, cuz I did do the nasty with her. Cuz Kobe was horny like a (inaudible).
Det 2: We know how it is. Was it consensual?
Kobe: Yeah it was sensual, totally.
Det 2: What makes you believe it was consensual?
Kobe: Cuz she started kissing my (inaudible), an’ then she bent over doggy-style and (inaudible).
Det 1: Officer McGruff-like, I see. All right. Did she come?
Det 2: From the get-go?
Kobe: Um, we walked around naked, went to the room, started fucking, she showed me the bedroom on her back (inaudible). I said actually I’d like to do it in the pool, I said I aint going by myself out there, you’re… a ho. She said well I already came, but I’ll open it up again if you want or whatever, I asked if she had any butt-beads and she said yeah I have ‘em in the back. And I said how appropriate, um, now we talkin’, well can I see em’, she’s like well I might have to show my (anatomical detail deleted) again if I show them to you but she’s like well maybe I’ll do that anyway and I’m like cool, and she gets up to leave or whatever and she gives me blow job so I kiss her back and then you know I started undressing and caressing her or whatever and then she puts her hand on my, you know, my California Blacksnake or whatever, and it kinda goes from there like a hundred times an’ shit ‘til the bears come home an’ take a shit in the woods if you know what I’m sayin’.
Det 1: Um… ok, not really but, I’ll move on. It’s possible that at some point that she may have told you no, I can’t take it all. Maybe she did lead you on a teeny-weeny bit and she kissed your… uh… snake and then she said now, I can’t make this fit, this isn’t happening.
Kobe: (Inaudible) if she’d a said that, I would a pulled out, no spooge, no nothing.
Det 1: Did you “spooge”?
Kobe: No.
Det 2: Well there’s always premature ejaculation, are you one of those?
Kobe: Say what?! Are you kidding me?
Det 2: I’m not kidding you, they teach you that in seventh grade sex ed…
Kobe: Stop right there man, that’s cold.
Det 2: Sorry.
Det 1: So… how long is your… well, you know? California thing?
Kobe: (Inaudible) fifteen inches maybe.
Det 1: And the best ones are straight Kobe, is yours straight?
Kobe: Hells yeah.
Det 2: Did she scream? Did you have her from the back of her head or her neck? Was it good?
Kobe: Held her from the back? You’re sick man, no… I wouldn’t… well, alright, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Det 1: Good band.
Kobe: I did hold her from the back, and I went like this: eyuuumph!!! I had my right hand like this, my other hand like that, my left foot like so, and my right one up here and my 3rd leg was kinda positioned this way and… (cut off)
Det 2: And you stayed hard?
Kobe: I don’t know, my manhood here, it’s strong.
Det 1: Where was she bent over at?
Kobe: There’s um, a little chair she liked to call “the love seat” where we got down, and she had her leg up so’s I could get a leg up, an’ she bent herself in half like so and I threw a leg… uh, up.
Det 2: Okay… Was it messy or anything like that?
Kobe: Aint it always though?
Det 2: Yeah, well, she had a lot of bleeding.
Kobe: Awww man, shit! You’ve gotta be pullin’ my leg, from where?
Det 2: Where do you think Mr. Bryant, from her vaginal area.
Kobe: Aaaahhhh!!! Don’t say that would neither. Christ… Look officer, there was no blood on my $700, 000 Italian suit, none whatsoever man, matter of fact, I still have the boxers, they’re %100 imported silk (inaudible), white as Larry Bird, nothing on them…
Det 1: Is it okay if we take those?
Kobe: Well that’s some sick shit but… I guess so. But I don’t want the media to see ‘em, in case I left some skid marks on ‘em or somethin’.
Det 1: We don’t want to see that either Kobe, so, nevermind.
Kobe: Don’t mention it. That’s why we’re here, right?
Det 2: Yes, that’s why we’re here at this time of night, yes.
Det 1: And we’re doing everything we can to try and get you out of this Kobe, we’re working on it, okay? I, I can’t promise you dick, I wish I could, but I can’t. Unfortunately, in order to work the system, you can’t cross the line too quickly, just like on the basketball court with a defending lineman, the umpire might throw you out of the game or something.
Kobe: Uh… yeah, I… see…
Det 2: Hey Kobe, have you ever gone, er, “one on one” like this before? Had allegations made and…
Kobe: Al le what? No. Are you kidding me? Never, I like, I know how to treat a lady, with the utmost respect an’ shit, absolutely, positively %100 nothing, no bullshit.
Det 1: I mean, is it possible that you guys had the music too loud or something, and she told you no and you couldn’t quite hear her?
Kobe: No, we was listening to Barry White man, not nuthin’ slammin’ or nuthin’ like that.
Det 1: Hey! Have you got something against the (cut off)?!
Det 2: No, Doug Doug, he said Barry White man, not “white man”, don’t get your panties all in up in a wad.
Det 1: Oh… right. Thanks Dan, uh… never mind.
Kobe: (gulp).
Det 2: Back to the matter at hand. Kobe, did you ever ask her if you wanted, if you could (sexual detail deleted)?
Kobe: Yeah, of course I did, I’m not stupid. That’s when she put up the red flag.
Det 1: Said no.
Kobe: No, now I didn’t say that.
Det 1: You… never mind.
Det 2: So, you like to (sexual detail deleted)?
Kobe: Who doesn’t?
Det 2: Good point.
Kobe: That’s my thing, dig? I mean, not always, I aint Shaq, I mean, so I stopped. Jesus Christ man.
Det 1: So how was this consensual?
Kobe: Sheeesh! How was it not, I mean it was totally sensual, she, we…
Det 1: You mutually “kissed”, there’s no question about that.
Kobe: We “mutually kissed”, as you say, yeah, so?
Det 1: Did you start…?
Kobe: She bent over backwards man, on her lonesome.
Det 1: Right, right. Okay, let me back up to the kissing. Did it escalate? Foreplay type issues, grabbing?
Kobe: Ejaculate? No, not yet, I told you, but… well, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Det 1: Good band.
Det 2: You already said that.
Det 1: Right…Go on Kobe.
Kobe: Sure, sure, sure, sure. So, she put her… you know… on my… well, you know, penis an’ shit, and that’s it, and then she started playing with that (inaudible).
Det 1: Okay, okay, I don’t need to hear anymore.
Det 2: But Doug, uh, we do need to hear more.
Det 1: Damn… Um… whew… ok, did she give you oral sex or anything like that?
Det 2: Doug, we covered that already.
Det 1: Right… hey, is it hot in here Dan or is it just me?
Kobe: Hey, can I say something here?
Det 2: Go ahead Kobe, don’t mind him.
Kobe: Okay, so, after like five positions an’ shit, I said um what’s your name? Give me your number, and while your at it, give me a (sexual detail deleted) um, and then kiss it this here way like (inaudible), and then she gave me a (sexual detail deleted).
Det 2: Wow. So that’s how you (sexual detail deleted)?
Kobe: Yeah, quick an’ easy like. I’m a pro you know.
Det 1: You sure are!
Det 2: Then what happened? We’re all ears...

(end of Pt. 1)

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