Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Part 1: Gettin’ Play by Player: when Kangaroo Kobe came a Courtin’

The following is an edible tran-strip of Eagle County Sheriff’s Detectives intercourse with Kobe “I Need A” Bryant the night after he did the ol’ in-out in his Colorado hotel room, a whiz-bang that led to rape allegations. This tran-strip was first published by Game Facial, a local fanzine of the region. It recently appeared in a censored version in tabloids nationwide after Team Bryant was succesfully able to force the "star fucking" accuser to drop her allegations by threatening to ruin what little was left of her life.
Det 1: We just want to talk to you about it, and find out your side of the story and what and who went down.
Det 2: But we, like you, don’t want to do it in front of everybody.
Kobe: All right, but this shit’s personal. Who’s side of the story you gonna follow? This is my career.
Det 2: We’re not here to destroy your career or your image, but we do have a serious matter at hand to resolve. This is our job, so just cooperate, ok? Matter at hand, job, get it?
Kobe: Ask me what, ask me how, ask me anything, but ask me now.
Det 2: Did you have a “female party” last night?
Kobe: Um…. next question.
Det 2: Same as the first.
Kobe: So that’s how it’s gonna be, huh? Ok, I dig. Yeah, I was with a “lady” who showed me around her… yes, did she say I did something to her? She showed me around the pool, she came… to my room, she showed me her back view, I mean, the back view, where she bared all and came, I mean all the bears come… up to the window, and that’s about… it. We shot the shit and that was it, finito. I speak Italian.
Det 2: Apparently. So, what’d you guys “shoot the shit” about?
Kobe: Just shot the shit like I said. She asked me what I was here for, I told her to get down on her knees… I mean, my knee… you know, what I was here for… my knee… yeah.
Det 2: And…?
Kobe: Um… she wanted to be a singer, like in the shower an’ shit-not a golden one mind you I…
Det 2: Go on.
Kobe: Um, she had like, um her tattoo, w/ like music and instruments n’ shit on it, queer like.
Det 1: Did you ask her to come last night so you could… check her out?
Kobe: Come back to my room, yeah. That’s when she showed me the tat.
Det 2: Ok… where was her “tat”?
Kobe: Oh, shit… Um, she had one on her ankle, legit like, and said she had one on her backside wit’ notes, of the musical variety.
Det 2: Was it cool?
Kobe: Um, yeah… sorta… she showed me.
Det 2: How did she show you?
Kobe: She had like a strap on… not a strap-on fellas, I mean, heh heh shit, but but… uh, anyways, she lowered it. I told her to turn around and she lowered it and she showed me.
Det 2: She lowered the boom so to speak, huh? So, uh did you guys hug or kiss or… spoon?
Kobe: No.
Det 1: Okay. Um, I’ll be blunt and ask you. Did you fuck her Kobe?
Kobe: No.
Det 1: Okay. Um, yet there is an allegation that unconsensual fucking occurred last night, okay. All right. (Kobe starts weeping like a baby) Hang on, okay, hang on sloopy... er, Kobey, don’t get excited. Look, I understand you have every right to be upset, okay, but you know, I’m giving you an opportunity to tell the truth if something did happen. She, she submitted to, she submitted to an exam. Okay.
Kobe: Aw man, you’re shittin’ me? Look, is there any way I can settle this, whatever it is, I mean…?
Det 1: Well… what do you mean by settle? How much “settling” are we talking here?
Det 2: Doug, uh uh, not a good idea.
Det 1: Righto, damn.
Det 2: Your tellin’ me.
Kobe: Look guys, uh, can I call you guys? If my wife found out that anybody made any type of allegations against the Kobester, she would have my ass, and I’d never hear the end of it. That’s all I care about.
Det 1: Mr. Bryant, look, I understand your concerns and frustrations, okay, I’m on a short leash myself, but I need to find out if this actually happened. I mean, it could have been a complete turn on, er… come on. I mean she could have been leading you on, or… whatever.
Det 2: She consented to an exam.
Kobe: Right, you said.
Det 2: We received blood, pubes…
Kobe: Gotcha.
Det 2: Semen.
Kobe: Okay, okay! Fuck… damn I hate that word…. You sure it was mine?
Det 1: Your semen. We’ve got the physical evidence right here in a petri dish.
Det 2: It’s in a beeker.
Kobe: That’s some sick shit man.
Det 2: So… be straight up with me Ko… be. The hairs, they were black, and they weren’t straight up-you know what I’m saying? Yao Ming wasn’t “in the house”. Is there any reason why any of your pubic hair…?
Kobe: Christ, you really gotta go there?
Det 2: Just be straight up, we’re not gonna tell your wife or your coach or anything like that. Did you do the wild thing with her?
Kobe: Uh… this is what I need to know fellas, cuz I did do the nasty with her. Cuz Kobe was horny like a (inaudible).
Det 2: We know how it is. Was it consensual?
Kobe: Yeah it was sensual, totally.
Det 2: What makes you believe it was consensual?
Kobe: Cuz she started kissing my (inaudible), an’ then she bent over doggy-style and (inaudible).
Det 1: Officer McGruff-like, I see. All right. Did she come?
Det 2: From the get-go?
Kobe: Um, we walked around naked, went to the room, started fucking, she showed me the bedroom on her back (inaudible). I said actually I’d like to do it in the pool, I said I aint going by myself out there, you’re… a ho. She said well I already came, but I’ll open it up again if you want or whatever, I asked if she had any butt-beads and she said yeah I have ‘em in the back. And I said how appropriate, um, now we talkin’, well can I see em’, she’s like well I might have to show my (anatomical detail deleted) again if I show them to you but she’s like well maybe I’ll do that anyway and I’m like cool, and she gets up to leave or whatever and she gives me blow job so I kiss her back and then you know I started undressing and caressing her or whatever and then she puts her hand on my, you know, my California Blacksnake or whatever, and it kinda goes from there like a hundred times an’ shit ‘til the bears come home an’ take a shit in the woods if you know what I’m sayin’.
Det 1: Um… ok, not really but, I’ll move on. It’s possible that at some point that she may have told you no, I can’t take it all. Maybe she did lead you on a teeny-weeny bit and she kissed your… uh… snake and then she said now, I can’t make this fit, this isn’t happening.
Kobe: (Inaudible) if she’d a said that, I would a pulled out, no spooge, no nothing.
Det 1: Did you “spooge”?
Kobe: No.
Det 2: Well there’s always premature ejaculation, are you one of those?
Kobe: Say what?! Are you kidding me?
Det 2: I’m not kidding you, they teach you that in seventh grade sex ed…
Kobe: Stop right there man, that’s cold.
Det 2: Sorry.
Det 1: So… how long is your… well, you know? California thing?
Kobe: (Inaudible) fifteen inches maybe.
Det 1: And the best ones are straight Kobe, is yours straight?
Kobe: Hells yeah.
Det 2: Did she scream? Did you have her from the back of her head or her neck? Was it good?
Kobe: Held her from the back? You’re sick man, no… I wouldn’t… well, alright, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Det 1: Good band.
Kobe: I did hold her from the back, and I went like this: eyuuumph!!! I had my right hand like this, my other hand like that, my left foot like so, and my right one up here and my 3rd leg was kinda positioned this way and… (cut off)
Det 2: And you stayed hard?
Kobe: I don’t know, my manhood here, it’s strong.
Det 1: Where was she bent over at?
Kobe: There’s um, a little chair she liked to call “the love seat” where we got down, and she had her leg up so’s I could get a leg up, an’ she bent herself in half like so and I threw a leg… uh, up.
Det 2: Okay… Was it messy or anything like that?
Kobe: Aint it always though?
Det 2: Yeah, well, she had a lot of bleeding.
Kobe: Awww man, shit! You’ve gotta be pullin’ my leg, from where?
Det 2: Where do you think Mr. Bryant, from her vaginal area.
Kobe: Aaaahhhh!!! Don’t say that would neither. Christ… Look officer, there was no blood on my $700, 000 Italian suit, none whatsoever man, matter of fact, I still have the boxers, they’re %100 imported silk (inaudible), white as Larry Bird, nothing on them…
Det 1: Is it okay if we take those?
Kobe: Well that’s some sick shit but… I guess so. But I don’t want the media to see ‘em, in case I left some skid marks on ‘em or somethin’.
Det 1: We don’t want to see that either Kobe, so, nevermind.
Kobe: Don’t mention it. That’s why we’re here, right?
Det 2: Yes, that’s why we’re here at this time of night, yes.
Det 1: And we’re doing everything we can to try and get you out of this Kobe, we’re working on it, okay? I, I can’t promise you dick, I wish I could, but I can’t. Unfortunately, in order to work the system, you can’t cross the line too quickly, just like on the basketball court with a defending lineman, the umpire might throw you out of the game or something.
Kobe: Uh… yeah, I… see…
Det 2: Hey Kobe, have you ever gone, er, “one on one” like this before? Had allegations made and…
Kobe: Al le what? No. Are you kidding me? Never, I like, I know how to treat a lady, with the utmost respect an’ shit, absolutely, positively %100 nothing, no bullshit.
Det 1: I mean, is it possible that you guys had the music too loud or something, and she told you no and you couldn’t quite hear her?
Kobe: No, we was listening to Barry White man, not nuthin’ slammin’ or nuthin’ like that.
Det 1: Hey! Have you got something against the (cut off)?!
Det 2: No, Doug Doug, he said Barry White man, not “white man”, don’t get your panties all in up in a wad.
Det 1: Oh… right. Thanks Dan, uh… never mind.
Kobe: (gulp).
Det 2: Back to the matter at hand. Kobe, did you ever ask her if you wanted, if you could (sexual detail deleted)?
Kobe: Yeah, of course I did, I’m not stupid. That’s when she put up the red flag.
Det 1: Said no.
Kobe: No, now I didn’t say that.
Det 1: You… never mind.
Det 2: So, you like to (sexual detail deleted)?
Kobe: Who doesn’t?
Det 2: Good point.
Kobe: That’s my thing, dig? I mean, not always, I aint Shaq, I mean, so I stopped. Jesus Christ man.
Det 1: So how was this consensual?
Kobe: Sheeesh! How was it not, I mean it was totally sensual, she, we…
Det 1: You mutually “kissed”, there’s no question about that.
Kobe: We “mutually kissed”, as you say, yeah, so?
Det 1: Did you start…?
Kobe: She bent over backwards man, on her lonesome.
Det 1: Right, right. Okay, let me back up to the kissing. Did it escalate? Foreplay type issues, grabbing?
Kobe: Ejaculate? No, not yet, I told you, but… well, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Det 1: Good band.
Det 2: You already said that.
Det 1: Right…Go on Kobe.
Kobe: Sure, sure, sure, sure. So, she put her… you know… on my… well, you know, penis an’ shit, and that’s it, and then she started playing with that (inaudible).
Det 1: Okay, okay, I don’t need to hear anymore.
Det 2: But Doug, uh, we do need to hear more.
Det 1: Damn… Um… whew… ok, did she give you oral sex or anything like that?
Det 2: Doug, we covered that already.
Det 1: Right… hey, is it hot in here Dan or is it just me?
Kobe: Hey, can I say something here?
Det 2: Go ahead Kobe, don’t mind him.
Kobe: Okay, so, after like five positions an’ shit, I said um what’s your name? Give me your number, and while your at it, give me a (sexual detail deleted) um, and then kiss it this here way like (inaudible), and then she gave me a (sexual detail deleted).
Det 2: Wow. So that’s how you (sexual detail deleted)?
Kobe: Yeah, quick an’ easy like. I’m a pro you know.
Det 1: You sure are!
Det 2: Then what happened? We’re all ears...

(end of Pt. 1)

Thursday, September 16, 2004

"I wanna no if you like me or knot becuz mad people telling me mad stuff? Jus tell me ur self"

...fresh direct from a "note" I found yesterday on the sidewalk.

*Friends & journey people*,
my band ROLLO is playing a FREE early show @ the Luna Lounge (ok, so they're all free there) tonight, Thursday, September 16th @ 9pm sharp! If you haven't yet been initiated into the glorious cult of rockability that is ROLLO and their raw, fuel injected raunch n' roll stylings, well this may be your perfect opportunity! ROLLO, giging in the metropolitan area only since May, has been compared favorably to the likes of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, The Kills, X, Television, JSBX, Jet, Blondie, the Pixies and the Stones (as
well as many other kickin' bands), so don't be left behind the curve! Hope to see you @ the FREE rock show... Luna is located @ 171 Ludlow Street in the scenic Lower East Side of Manhattan. Yours-RM

===== (hear our music, see what we look like n' shit)

Rollo is:
Hubert Dulay-tweed guitar samurai
Alex Emanuel-joe strummer/vocalic leadoff
John Dillon-smasher of kit and lighter of it
Sally Donovon-blondie tonk vocalista sista

Rollo upcoming live performance fiestas:
Thursday, 10/07 @ The Knitting Factory 830pm
Saturday, 11/06 @ The Lakeside Lounge 1030pm
New Years Eve @ Wembly Stadium w/ Mick and the Stones via direct satalite feed from Uranus


Ok... other news: I saw an ad on craigslist for stupid human tricks and decided to apply. Why the hell not, every freakin' reality show out there is about stupid humans these days, and this would only be for a minute or so. My proposal (thought up in about 2 sex flat) was the following:

"...for the duration of the time alotted me the "trick", I'd like to rock in a rocking chair while rolling up a de-rolled roll of toilet paper, as Paul and the band play "Been a Long Time Since I Rock and Rolled" by Led Zeppelin. As it would have been a "long time" since I'd done that, I'd display the utmost emotion while doing the dumb deed"... sound stupid enough?

Has this been the worst Presidential race ever or what? When are these guys going to debate? November 1st? It's like a f*ckin' reality show itself, with the 2 people on the the "Sureal" World (an actual reality show concept I have, ask me about it, but don't steal the fucker)who;ve been thrown into bed with each other but can't stand each other's guts slingin' mud balls left and right. It's plain to me, and should be to the rest of the country (unless we really are as dumb as we look), that W has GOT TO GO. This guy is re-writing the constitution b4 our eyes, seizing documents that should be made public, polarizing the country b/w the ultra rich and super poor like NEVER before (no, WORSE then the 50's, 60's 70's my friends), dragging us into WWIII, and bold-faced lying to the people about this, that and every other f*ckin' thing. Wake up and smell the smoking oil I say, open up your history book to Germany in the 30's and read the fine print. Yeah, so Kerry has screwed up (thank God he has Carville aboard), who made Nader our savior? (not to mention W of course). The elephantitis party has been calling democrats big government flip floppers since the stone ages, what else is knew? Go to the museum of Broadcasting and watch them spin the same yarn of deceit since the dawn of television. Check out what the American Conservative Union insultingly has to say about Kerry and the Vietnam thing, and honorable man who admirably served out country and questioned an unjust war: "as a young hard-shell leftist who had turned against the war, Kerry may have had an ideological predisposition to favor the communist regime of North Vietnam" (?!?!)"the more you examine Kerry's involvement with the Vietnam Vets against the War, the more you see what a histrionic production it was, what a piece of street theater: Bogus veterans. Bogus medals." Here's another propaganda snippet about Kerry, this time about the present war: "You'd have to search carefully through the annals of American history to find a U.S. Senator whose public statements have been better crafted to demoralize our troops at war or to embolden our enemies to resist us more resolutely." Give me a break.

Ok, I've gotten about as riled up as I need to be today, should've perhaps written this stuff right before I played tonight. I just want to leave you with one other thing. The other night I did a focus group for NY radio (Q104.3 I'm sure, though they wouldn't tell us). What a sham. They gathered about 3 guys my age in a room, and gave us a "Mix Master
Perception Analyzer Device" (serious) to rate 800 song snippets (yes, 800... 3.5 hours) that would help decide programming. It was painful with a capital p for pissed off yo. I had to sit through countless Billy Joel cuts, Elton John, what have you. The "new" rock that was included consisted of 3 Nirvana tunes and 5 Pearl Jam songs... ouch. The other "new" music they had was one Elvis Costello song, 2 Clash songs, the worst of U2, 2 Cars songs and... well, that's it. Afterall, music aint what it used to be the powers that be tell us. This is so sad. Yes, I sound like a broken cd I'm sure, but come on...

Next up: some overdue Liver Sports thoughts (yay for Russian tennis chix, much as I always have a spot spot for Jenny and a (albeit "harder", if you catch my drift) soft spot for Serina), as well as a few slices from a lil' book called "A Guide to Better Living: A Practical Handbook of Enormous Scope", that tells you, among other things, how to: "be a better marriage partner", "enjoy work", "overcome tensions", "improve your appearance" and "make use of new scientific developments". Oh boy, I can hardly wait...

Monday, September 13, 2004

Two Zoo New Reviews au gratin, and a FREE Rollo gig to boot this Thursday 9/16, 9pm sharp @ le Lounge de Luna

If you gander at my links (lancenotawholeheluvalotof), you'll notice near the bottom that I've started doing some cd reviews @ a lil' site called This is on account of my marvy writing here @ Snot, and I hope to parlay this little side-thang into a way to make a little extra cash, know what I'm sayin'. Besides that hidden desire, I really like doing it, throwin' my opinions out there (if you haven't noticed). Well, I know that I'm at least a blog behind, and the scraps of paper have been accumulating, waiting for me to throw up in the air to see where and how they land, but today, I'm going to give you a peak @ couple of the cds reviews I just did over there, as I can't trust your lazy trigger finger to bring up that site, esp. when there are so many other exciting, tantalizing web offerings to choose from... Talk soon, and do swing by Luna this thursday night, September 16th, at 9pm sharp, b/c Rollo is playin' for free, and we good (Luna is located @ 171 Ludlow Street, b/w Stanton and Houston in Manhattan's scenic Lower East Side. Don't take any wooden hickeys-AE... (er... RM)

Helio Sequence
"Love and Distance"
Sub Pop | 2004
Album (10 tracks)
5 out of 10 - Good and bad. Just OK.

I really dug the hypnotic way this disc began, even though I couldn’t quite place who or what they sounded like (with that oddly featured mouth harp, beat box and rock-steady drum mix goin’ on et all). The emergence of the first lead vocal pulled me away from my reverie though, as it just seemed too “groovy” or something for the rest of the music. This proved to be a major problem for these ears throughout “Love and Distance”, the new offering on Sub-Pop by The Helio Sequence. It’s a shame, as the band definitely has a way with interesting choruses despite their tendency towards trite verses, as many of them tended to pull me right back into the song at the precise point when I had almost completely lost focus. Nowhere is this trend better exemplified then on the second track of the cd, “Repeater”. The song begins, like so many on the disc, with a very cool instrumental groove, but one that only gets left behind by lyrics that are not up to the task. In this case, singer Brandon Summers croons “I’m on a roll and there’s nowhere to go, where we going now, out of control”… come to think of it, I couldn’t have said it better myself. The tune redeems itself, however, with a pretty amazing chorus, one that conjures up the likes of Franz Ferdinand and the Beatles. At other points on the disc, The Helio Sequence are at their best when they reminded me, however fleeting, of those bands, or XTC, Let’s Active, Stereolab and Mercury Rev for that matter. The band seems to be at their worst when the bombast of bad U2 sets in, a Prefab Sprout drippiness saturates the mood, or they force Sparklehorse without the sparkle. The lone songs where the exact opposite verse/chorus phenomenon (that I mentioned earlier) occurs are “Let it Fall Apart” and “Everyone Knows Everyone”, titles that seem to almost dare the listener to try and pidgeon-hole this band. The low point on the cd has got to be “Blood Bleeds”, a song that almost kept me from listening to the remaining three songs on the disc. I’m glad I didn’t give in to this impulse, however, as the following track, “S.O.S”, I found to be one of the most enjoyable songs on the entire album. This push and pull does make “Love and Distance” interesting to listen to, and demands that it get more than one turn in the cd carrier, but I’m still not quite sure who this band is and what this all leads to…

Sahara Hotnights
"Kiss & Tell"
RCA | 2004
Album (11 tracks)
9 out of 10 - Simply Amazing.

Ok, so this disc did instantly make me want to put the top down on the convertible Camaro in my mind and frolick in the hot summer sun with a bitchin’ blonde babe in a bikini. From it’s opening “Start Me Up”-era Stones meets Divinyls exuberance, Sahara Hotnights’ new disc “Kiss & Tell” (RCA) aint no mere cherry bomb though. Catchy hooks, riptide guitar riffs, rock-steady (albeit simplistic) drumming; these girls have got it going on. The temptation for many (I’m sure) has been to lump them in with all the “chick rock” bands that have ever broke, been bought, burnt and bit, but that’s just not fair. Yeah, they seem to be “hot”, and there are some Runaways in the Hot Sahara Night (I also wouldn’t scoff at any Susanna Hoffs and co. comparisons) but this bands’ strongest asset seems to be their ability to really pen a tune, and play it. Check out the cool guitar licks on “Walk on the Wire”, “Mind Over Matter” and “Stay/Stay Away”, or the bands’ knack for well-placed and executed backing vocals (no easy task… I know) throughout the disc. As to Maria Andersson’s lead vox, well, they may not win awards for their unique timbre, but she can transform her instrument to resemble the singer from Heart at one moment, Karen O at another, or a female version of that Strokes bloke at still another, and her words (for the most part) work, which is the most major of complements I can give to a rock band for their lyrics. For example, the “Sister Havana”-esque “Stay/Stay Away” features the line “I never shut, I never close”-hell, I wish I could drop a phrase that right-on and to-the-point. Along with Sahara's crafty songwriting, the interplay between the bands' two guitarists and drummer (Josephine Forsman) are the glue that keeps everything moving forward. It was apparent to me also that this band has done their homework, for there seem to be many disparate influences at work and at play here, from the Buzzcocks to the Cult, Imperial Teen and possibly even… Marshal Crenshaw. My only real complaint is that “Kiss & Tell”, at just under 35 minutes, runs kinda short.

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

"Low Lights" The Democrater Waiter Buffet Report from RNC in NYC 2004: scribbled, dribbled and civil (libeled?)

My position within (at) the Republican Party "party"...

***(Disclaimer: I AM NOT A Republican dear readers, nor have I ever been or ever will be. I am the polar opposite of one-please DO NOT confuse me with the fascistic underbelly of our society, I only worked at this thing to make $$, and so I could report on the evil doings that went down)***

...began Sat 8/28 when I was called upon to serve at the Time Warner Building for it's "Welcome to the Media" festivities 2 days before the opening gavel of the RNC @ Madhouse Square Garden. As I filed in with other catertrons that surreal feeling first hit me "wow, I'm working for the enemy... if the people back home could see me now they'd hate my guts". I was assigned a Martini Station, where I took the lead and came up with what would be the signature concoction of the evening, the "Cosmopolitician". That name came to me as we were supposed to serve up some Stoli mish-mash of Raspberry, Orange and Vanilla vodka like it was the ambosia of the Gods or something, and keep it coming until they were drunk and red-faced as can be. It was a gas hearing every shmo in the place say "well aaahhhlll have uh nother Cosmo-Pawl-o-tish-yan bah-tenduh!!" knowing that that name spring from this tender mind of mine (and that I wouldn't get a red-blooded cent more for it as it got co-opted by everybody there)... Well, this evening wasn't so bad-went off without a hitch, though I got my first taste of what the days to come might be like when, while bringing ice in from outside I passed by super-Republican fool Don King getting interviewed. With my back to him as I entered the big glass doors, I yelled "John Kerry 2004!", which was followed by a resounding echo of "NO!!!" in back of me. I disappeared inside amongst the masses before they could make me disappear...

...Ok, so as Saturday rolled into Sunday, along came the big Anti-Bush Demonstration we'd all been waiting for. This was quite a sight to behold, and to be a part of. There was actually some hope in the air as 400 thousand people walked along Broadway singing, chanting, cursing the Monarchy... and selling t-shirts, way too many t-shirts. This was an omen to me. Yeah, I'd made one 4 years back when Bush stole the Election outright from Aldo Nowhere, but this was different. This was rampant crass capitalism it seemed, exploiting a worthy cause, uh...our future no less, with "Get your official 2004 protest T-shirt here, don't go home with out it, only $20!"... I did buy a blow-up Bushocchio Hot Air President Doll (Smirkus Machiavellious) for $5 b/c it was just so damn well done (, but I was genuinely appalled by the frenzy surrounding the "official" keep-sakes from the demonstration-there were more things hawked here then at the Convention... which leads me to, you guessed it, the Convention.

It became obvious, that come Monday eve, I was going to be working my catering magic at Madhouse Square Garden itself, providing a food service to my constituents, the squares of the Grand old garden Party themselves, shipped in from all over the country to resemble some sort of melting pot that doesn't exist within their usual huddled masses. Surreal is about the only way I can describe my experience there, that and bizarre. I and the other Democrater Waiters in attendance were all prepared to "take it for the team" should there be some sort of attack there, full knowing that we wouldn't be around afterwords if such an event did occur. We were shuttled in as a group, bunched together on-foot like the human slaves in Planet of the Apes, and we underwent 2 security check points. I had thought that we were to be subject to anal cavity searches with all the paranoia surrounding the event, but this went pretty smoothley (esp. the first few days, before W entered the building). There was one funny moment that first night though when the cops looked at a worn mint tin I had in my pocket and questioned me about it. "What's this" said the cop. "It has a condom in it said I, so that I can make love to my girlfriend safely at the end of the night when I see her". "Ok" said he, handing it back to me without opening it so that the enclosed rubber wouldn't be on view for all to see and marvel at (hmmm, a Trojan or Lifestyles user? Or perhaps a Durex man). I was quick and smart to point out my appreciation of safety first and family values, as I could have said "well, ocifer, I brought a sheath in case I meet a hot Republican chick"... ____________________________________________

Pt. 2

"Corned Beef Turkey": The Democrater Waiter Buffet Report from RNC in NYC 2004: scribbled, dribbled and civil (libeled?)

...I brought into the RNC Monday (and each night afterwards) a little black book in which I did my best mole impersonation, scurrying off into a corner, under my tray, while on the can, what have you, in order to jot down the things I heard or thought of while working at the Hate Fest. Here are a few of the things that happened to me there as well as some of my observations:

Rushing up to the floor with 2 heated members of the kitchen staff to see John McCain call Michael Moore "disingenuous". The Secret Service almost took me down as I approached fast on foot holding my bussing tray-they grabbed my credentials that were hanging from my neck-thank God they didn't turn the one in front around to see the NO W sticker I had on it, I'd have been carried away and sent up the river. I fantasized at that moment about being the world's frisbee or discus champ, letting go at just the right moment of my silver tray and watching it soar through the air and decapitate some fat-cat republican on the podium...

Speaking with an old Madison Square Garden security guard (banished to escalator duty) about the events after I served him up corned beef and turkey sandwiches on the sly from my buffet table. This is what he had to say: "It's all bullshit, they (the Republicans) try to shit you up to your eardrums to have you hear what they say, and Bush?...I don't care for that guy, he looks like an idiot".

Mayor Bloomberg saunters up to my buffet table, all 4ft 2 inches of him, and comments in his nasal sarcastic whiney uppercrust voice about the turkey and corned beef: "well... it's better then the food upstairs", obviously dising the food at Madison Sq. Garden itself, as the only food there other than what we served (the same upstairs) was from the food stands there that normally fed happy concert and sporting event attendees.

Serving a heavily made-up Trent Lott Jambalaya at the "My South" party Wednesday. he scrunched his face like a flying monkee and said "Yum".

Observation: the bad acting that was so present by many delegates there eager to please any big whig congressman they came face to face with reminded one Democrater Waiter of Hamlet jumping into Ophelia's Grave...

Loudmouth, scary Republican women (blonde of course) yelling "TURN THAT TV OFF!!! NO HILLARY IN HERE!!" when Hillary Clinton came on one of the many flat-screen tvs set up. They started out on all channels, but gradually all became FOX...

C-List celebraties like the shrill, long-haired right winger Ron Silver are all this party can find, and this guy used his allotted time sounding like a crazed small country dictator... prepping every for Zell "the Zell-Out" Miller I suppose...
Pt. 3

From the RNC Hatefest w/ Love "Dave Mathews Band Dumps Raw Sewage from Tour Bus into Chicago River, douses Tour Boat w/ 100 Passengers" … The Democrater Waiter Report, cont’d…

...The above was a news story that graced the papers while the RNC and the protests against the Bush Administration were happening. This Democrater Waiter saw a little symbolism in that pseudo rocker showing his true brown colors (I've always felt he's stunk) as the GOP in speach after speach shat "us up to our eardrums to have you hear what they (were saying)" in the choice words of the friendly old escalator security guard I'd made friends with at Madhouse Square Garden...

Ok, where was I? Oh yeah... more observations:

Two GOP drones standing at attention, with winky dinky dogs (pigs in blankets) in-hand (and in mid-munch in fact) to pledge allegience to the flag...

Double Talk-there was an area of the hospitality suite that hadtheir flat screen tvs not in-sync, so all the GOP double talk came out as, well, double talk. Papa GHW Bush was on when I noticed this, and he sounded like Porky Pig...

Parading out handicapped black hispanic asian muslims like they're really core members of the party... where'd they get that fat muslim women with the orange burkah? And how about the celebrity power? I already mentioned Ron silver, who can't get a job obviously (but that doesn't bother him as he did his best Dennis Miller impersonation and rant for the party that makes it hard for him to get a job), but how about Angie Harmon and Jason Seyhorn? Wo, certainly celebs to reckon with here...

Giuliani... was hoping I'd never have to see that big head again (and I'd seen it in person at a matzah ball eating contest years ago... IT BIG! Makes Conan O'Brien's head look like a pea)... This guy loves to hear himslef talk, and oh, it was painful, as his cackling voice was all around me there echoing and getting a kick out of himslelf like a lisping Joker from Batman...

GOP delagates wearing silly Cat in the Hat Uncle Sam hats with stuffed elephants on top, gaudy rhinstone "W"s and huge buttons all over them saying "I'm a red-hot Republican"...what did this mean? The woman I stood next to in an elevator with this on was surely not hot, not by anyone's standards...

...ok, where was I? Oh yeah, in the eye of the storm. It was actually quite exhilerating I have to say, knowing that I was stationed at the event that all the world could be watching. I figured that as I was in NYC, there was no other place to be those days (other than out on the street protesting the sham of a mockery of an event) then at the Bushies. To set the record straight though, I didn't set out to work at the RNC, that is just where the pre-catering season work was. If you were a caterwaitier, this is where you were that week... and man oh man did I need the money (still do-haven't gotten paid yet from this work). So, how about a few more sites and sounds from the RNC? Remember, what I'm writing may not be novel or anything, it was just what I could squeeze out of the monumental blandness that pervaded the colorless convention. yeah, it looked all exciting to blood thirsty Republicans nationwide I'm sure, but this was a gathering of some of the most ininteresting folk one is ever likely to encounter-hell, you saw the speaches "Blah blah blah terrorism, yada yada 911, Kerry flip flops and he won't stop" w/ no mention of the economy or original ideas and so on...

When that 20 yr old MTV Essay Contest Winner (how did she win? seriously?) with her simplistic assault on values and the lack thereof, called for "Generation Example" instead of Gen X, this face lifted lady by my buffet table said "Can you believe it? That coloured girl's only 18!"... Did you all hear that contest winner afterwards screaming to someone interviewing her "I LOVE ARKANSAS AND I LOVE GEORGE BUSH!"
Well... good for her, and, uh, good luck to her...

The large heavy guy from the Soprano's came over to my buffet-he was doing correspondace for the Tonight Show. The lights came on and he said into camera that "the food at the Dem convention was better". I said "I'm sure I agree". With winky dinky dog in his mouth he said to me "Did you make this?" I said "Hell no, I'm just an actor trying to make a buck". I have no idea whether this segmant made it on Jay's show or not...

The only speaker as far as I could tell who they showed on TV from the rear was that sexy fascist Breast Cancer Advocate Elizabeth Hasselbeck (a young Mira Sorvino clone with a J. Lo Booty). I wonder why, doesn't Dick Cheney have a nice ass?

Laura Bush is a Stepford Wife, no doubt. See her as her face remains motionless while her mouth moves...

In the bathroom, I never saw so many guys with immobile Ken Doll hair grooming themselves, trying to look there waspy best so that they can get lucky with a blonde babe there...

Hell is: listening to Arnold's "Terminate Terrorism" speach on one side of you while a group of young GOP's on the other side of me are trying to fill each other in about the "interesting history of Dick Cheney", how he was "Minority Whip as a young Wyoming Congressman", and picked as "the youngest chief of staff for Nixon @ age 30" and then picked again in the late 80's only after the Dems "got rid of the other nominee, which allowed Newt Gingrich to enter the picture". Fascinating. These guys could barely contain their excitemnet talking about this, seemed like a bunch of Girly Men to me...

It started to seem as though this election was going to be about which candidate has the hotter daughters. I'd have to say that Bush wins on that front, esp. with that slutty looking Jenna (who frighteningly resembles Dubya more than her stoic mom) vamping for the cameras, but then again, Gore's girls were hotter than W's girls (but they were pre-teens in 2000 and didn't count I suppose)...

P Diddy (replete in over-sized Yankee Warm-Up gear) was in attendance, and overheard saying to someone that he was a Republican, then on TV getting interviewed that he was Bi-Partisan, then, when someone asked one of his posse, she said "oh no, he's a Democrat". What is he (besides a dour looking shlumpy fellow, obviously missing Ashton Kutcher's rat pack companionship-the only other time I saw him, and he was beaming then)? One thing for sure is that this guy is rude to caterwaiters, that was the word there. One distraught Democraterwaiter said about the Puffy one "Are you serious? Are you serious?" When I relayed that he was perhaps pro-Bush. "He should be ashamed of himself!... hey, what about the Def Jam guy?"... Then I overheard this staunch conservative fellow say "Puff Daddy? Who's that? I never heard of him. Is he rock or country? (He's) a big showboat ain't he"

I caught some Bushler Youth-type saying (right before the grand entrance of W): "60 days left, man I'm really excited. He's gonna swing in on a thing I bet-hell, if anyone can pull this off, he can"...

General note: usually, the young women at big catered events check out the staff, who are mainly comprised of actors and models... Not here, these Barbies wouldn't so much as bat an eye at the help. We were beneath them. The frat boy guys were actually nicer, eager to get all buddy buddy with us, but the women, not a chance...

Is Mike Piazza a Gay republican? Apparently, he was in the sky box, though the only Mets I saw there were Al Leiter (whom I already knew was conservative), along with an uncomfortable looking Todd Zeile and Tom Glavine. I went up to Tom and asked him if he'd consider a trade to the Red Sox. He said "if I'm gonna go anywhere, it'd be there". This then started much Red Sox talk, as I foiund 3 other Cater Waiters who were fans. Yes, Democrats like the Red Sox...I hope this is a good thing...

One Democraterwaiter kept saying "I hate active listeners". I asked him what he meant, and he pointed to this Slutty Southern belle w/ a krinkled forhead who was blatently kissing the ass of this Congressman sitting accross from her, mouth agape and all, stopping just short of drooling a tusk...

Pt. 4

Sweeeeet!!! Mary Lou Retten is in da house! (Why did I ever dig her? she's no Natalie Portman) More from... The Democrater Waiter Buffet Report from RNC in NYC 2004: scribbled, dribbled and civil (libeled?)

My last night there (most likely already refered to in these pages, as my scrawled notes were pretty all over the place) started off on a club foot when I tried to smuggle in some little flyers that mentioned Prescott Bush (W’s Grandpapy) and his being caught for trading with the enemy (the Nazis), as reported in October of 1942 in the Wall street Journal. This story has never rightly seen the light of day, though the charges against Bush by Michael Moore of aiding and abetting the Saudis strikes an eery resemblance to this story, don't you think? I folded up these little slips of paper carefully (about 10 of them) and hid them under my rolled-up tie in the pocket of the shirt I was holding on a hanger, with the hopes of passing them out if I could. The cop checking me in, who had just seemed oddly sarcastic when announcing “No bombs, Knives, Guns, Rifles, Missles, Oozis, Tanks, Open Containers and so on” (really, this is waht he said), felt the paper corners around my tie and asked “What’s this?” I said, “It's my Tie” and he looked at me for a second, smiled, and handed it back to me. My club foot gave way to dancing feet, and this last day of the RNC would prove to be kinda fun, as I walked all around the place-having had a drink or 3 supplied by the friendly MSG bartenders-checking out the Press place w/ all the talk radio set-ups, what have you… Ok, so here's the last of my very-hard-to-decipher notes:

I overheard one disapointed conservative attendee say "I haven't asked for shit, and then I ask for 2 passes last night, and they give me behind the fucking television!"

I was standing behind 2 GOP trolls, when this video footage made to look like old Super-8 clips of W, Laura and their kids from like the early 80's came on tv. I said to myself, somewhat loud "that's when he was doing all that coke". Both of the guys turned into me and stared... I thought I was dead, but they quickly turned back to face forward. I guess Bush being a Blow Head is just not an important issue...

To answer a question I'd posed in an earlier blog entry of mine, Paul Stanley of Kiss may very well be a Republican (like Gene Simmons), as his MSG picture was featured prominantly where I was, alongside other performers/athletes who are probably conservative: Martina Hingus, Evander Holyfield and... David Bowie?

One elephant said to another elephant "one more night of fun and gaiety"... this was hardly Babaar...

This one cook told me she flipped-off laura Bush's motorcade, and said that once she realized "it was her, I couldn't stop, and held it up there"

Heinz ketchup was served a plenty, and readily devoured on the pigs in blankets by the those in attendance. I noticed this one vampiress chomping away while wearing a button though that was meant to look like the Heinz logo, but said "Kerry: 57,000 ways to tax Americans"

D list performer after D list performer performed you may have noticed (or not), it always began with: "(so and so), who had a platinum record in 2000!". I swear I heard this one no-name sang the words "Can you believe, can you deceive, can you achieve, I can"

One fat cat chucked a crumpled pulled-pork stained napkin @ my tray from afar as I walked by. It missed, hit the ground, and he didn't acknowledge a damn thing...

They kept exploiting minorities after minoriites: that effeminate Cuban guy Menendez saying "my friend George Bush" and "I aim to repay my America" (meaning: I aim to repay W for the awesome tax cut I'm getting!)

Dick cheney, trying to appeal to the working class with his story about his Dad and the Railroad cars, and being born on FDR's birthday, well one Democrater Waiter had this to say about that "but he's the biggest warmongering, smug Millionaire scumbag that there is!"

Pataki, who makes W look like Einstein, erred I believe in saying "let's win one for the gipper, and lose one for the clipper!"... Uh, George (another George!) you're the Gov of NY, remember the Yankee Clipper buddy?

My old-friend the old Escalator Security Guard saying about W "he could say I'm a pea-brained imbecile, and people would applaud"...

My buddy from Chicago calling and saying "I'll give you $100 if you ______" ... I'm sure you can guess what he said, he was hinting at, well, not character assassination, but another kind, which I'm in no position to stoop to...


Pt. 5

Yay! Bush says you can get a "College" Diploma...The Democraterwaiter Buffet Report from RNC in NYC 2004: scribbled, dribbled and civil (libeled?) pt. 7
_______________________________________________, everybody was waiting for this? This glazed over simpleton with a sock in his mouth? he has actually become a worse speaker over the 4 years he's let us down. Bush said "There's nothing complicated about supporting our troops", but there's obviously something very complicated about reading for him. He was struggling, I mean am I the only one who saw that? I think not... (According the Associated Press, he mixed up his words this past Monday reciting his stump speech and said "too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all accross the country")... man oh man, are we in trouble...

One Hispanic bartender said to another Hispanic Bartender "Give me a fuckin' break, are you kiddin' me?" when our fearfull leader slaughtered their language in his speach...

Bush refered to his Mom as "that white-haired lady over there", but the TV didn't show Barbara Bush, she must have been yakking in the john I figure...

Speaker of the House Dennis J. Hastert was a slobbering fool around the po boy sandwiches, dripping chin and all... What a pleasant man.

Bad lip-syncing by Country Music "sensation" Leanne Womack as she finished singing after the recording stopped. This went unnotoced by all the Wonderrama kids plants seated all around her...

When Kerry gave his well-deserved rebuttal after the hatefest, I overheard one guy saying to another "you hear that, he's lying on TV-he's a classless pannicking freak!"

An RNC Bumper Sticker that made its way around: "BUSH OR TERROR?"... I don't like the implications here.

well, I'm going to have to compile the rest of my stained refrains another time, see if they’re even worth telling you all, plus, I will be giving you some choice excerpts over the next couple of months from the slanderous American Conservative Union pamphlet I got at the RNC entitled "Who is John Kerry?"

Until then, later-RM

"Blah blah blah blah blah blah Bush, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Bu-u-ush, oh blah blah Bu-u-ush"... RIP Keith Moon, who died 9/07/78

Ok, it's become obvious that I have to act on this promise to divulge my notes from the RNC NOW, as time is lapsing as I continue to avoid the act of compiling them, and the convention (as well as the air of rebellion that surrounded it) is quickly becoming a distant memory. That fact is sad, as we still have 60 days to go in "the most important election of our lifetime", and people already seem as resigned to the inevitable fate of "4 more years! 4 more years!" as Red Sox fans are believed to be numbed by that neverending chant of "1918, 1918". Well, take a gander at the Red Sox, are they wilting to the pressure? Hell no, they're making an historic run against the powers-that-be (Yankees) by George (Steinbrenner) and so must be by George (W). It seems that it took the sound thumping of the Bush Bombers and all that terror talk to snap Kerry out of his malaise. The only thing it seems that could put an end to that swift Boat nonsense was Kerry making a swift return from Vietnam to the present. Remember, that crap we had in NYC last week was just a convention, ala the Shriners or the Loyal Order of the Water Buffalo and the Grand Pu-bah or whatever, it was not the General Election. The Good Ole Bush Boys tried hard to make you think that, taking cues from Clinton 8 years ago, the Academy Awards, Grammies et all, as though this was the final awards show to a blockbuster season... well, it wasn't. They could beat and drum and thump and rat-a-tat-tat all that lying lofty loopy language into our heads for a week, but we still have 2 months to get the get our heads straight. So, without further ado (and before this lengthy lead-up leaves me with nowhere to go but down), I bring you the Democrater Waiter Buffet Report from RNC in NYC 2004: scribbled, dribbled and civil (libeled?)

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Six-fingered closers (and other tales of human oddity and competition)

Ok Liver Sport fans, and just about everybody else out there in blogland-first, gotta apologize profusely to all those who stopped whatever they were doing at some point on saturday to tune into "snot" only to find that, no, I did not write the RNC recap as advertised. This weekend I did just about nothing in fact, as that's one one is supposed to do over labor day weekend, right? reliving the living hell that was the convention... well, I just couldn't go there. I do plan to collect all my notes thpough and do you right Tuesday ( basically, what i am going to present to you are the low lights from my corner of the RNC, splashed with a few other observations from this unfortunate period in American history. Before I pass out though (as RM needs his beauty sleep yo), I will tell you about the weirdest Liver Sport story to come my way in a while. Did you know that there are to relievers in Baseball with 6 fingers on each hand? These 2 relievers with the extra digits are closers no less, and top-notch ones to boot, they're: (first names left off for privacy... yeah right) Alfonseca on the Marlins (48 whopping saves last year) and Rodriquez on the Giants. Can they grip the ball better with these extra fingers? How about a bat, or their own bats for that matter? What do these players wives think? Hmmmm... Are there other players with 6 fingers? I dunno, but I, like the awestruck ESPN radio jock who I heard this story from, am freaked out by this. Should there be an asterisk by their records? Just picturing these hands give me the heebee-jeebies, reminded me of that flick with Gwyneth Paltrow, Jack Black and Jason Alexander, when George Costanza shows his tale.... Yyyeeechhhh!!! Ok, enough of that. Weird stuff is happening in Baseball-a pennent race is heating up at the same time as this Presidential race, as my fave Red Sox are like all of a sudden the best team in Baseball, as if Nomar was the curse himself, and Joe Torre and the Yanks are trying to cheat wins since their stupid pitcher broke his hand punchin' a wall (if he had 6 fingers, he mighta been ok) by cryin' UNFAIR to Sox players who are not getting fined and the Tampa Bay Devil Rays team for showing up late from the Hurricane b/c "the only thing that entered (their) mind(s) were being with (their) families". That sounds like a good excuse to me Joe. Aww, what's the matter? King George getting on your back? Well, before I segue into that other George (not Costanza or Steinbrenner) but W, for "wimp", I have to rest my head... and just as I was getting going too! Man oh man, dredging up those RNC memories is going to be fun. Squeeze me into your lunch break today, ok? G'night.

Friday, September 03, 2004


...and be sure to tune into "Snot" this Sat. 9/04, b/c yours truly worked as a cater troll mole @ the RNC this past week (can you believe it?!), and man or man have I got some shit to tell you... You don't want to miss the inside skinny as I relate to you all the feverish lowlights-Rollo Manhattan

Rollo Rocks the GORC (Grand Olde Rock Club) CBGB tonight @ 10pm!

That's right, Rollo has secured a choice time slot tonight, Friday eve 9/03 @ CBGB (located @ 115 Bowery @ Bleecker Street), and they plan to smack the face of convention and demonstrate their firm far rockin' stance on the same platform that has been host to Patti Smith, Blondie, The Ramones, Television, The Jesus Lizard, Swervedriver, Sonic Youth, Sebadoh, Helium, JSBX and so many other great acts over the years. The stage is set for 10pm, at which point frontrunner Rollo, fresh from a smokin' appearance at the Lakeside Lounge last week, will be driving home those time-honored punk family values! -Rollo Manhattan (hear our music, see what we look like & shit)

Rollo is:
Hubert Dulay-tweed guitar samurai
Alex Emanuel-joe strummer/vocalic leadoff
John Dillon-smasher of kit and lighter of it
Sally Donovon-blondie tonk vocalista sista

Rollo upcoming live performance fiestas:
Friday, 9/03 @ CBGB(@OMFUG) 930pm
Thursday, 9/16 @ The Luna Lounge 9pm
Thursday, 10/07 @ The Knitting Factory "Old Office" Space
Saturday, 11/06 @ The Lakeside Lounge 10pm
New Years Eve @ Wembly Stadium w/ Mick and the Stones via live satalite feed from Mars