"Low Lights" The Democrater Waiter Buffet Report from RNC in NYC 2004: scribbled, dribbled and civil (libeled?)

My position within (at) the Republican Party "party"...

***(Disclaimer: I AM NOT A Republican dear readers, nor have I ever been or ever will be. I am the polar opposite of one-please DO NOT confuse me with the fascistic underbelly of our society, I only worked at this thing to make $$, and so I could report on the evil doings that went down)***

...began Sat 8/28 when I was called upon to serve at the Time Warner Building for it's "Welcome to the Media" festivities 2 days before the opening gavel of the RNC @ Madhouse Square Garden. As I filed in with other catertrons that surreal feeling first hit me "wow, I'm working for the enemy... if the people back home could see me now they'd hate my guts". I was assigned a Martini Station, where I took the lead and came up with what would be the signature concoction of the evening, the "Cosmopolitician". That name came to me as we were supposed to serve up some Stoli mish-mash of Raspberry, Orange and Vanilla vodka like it was the ambosia of the Gods or something, and keep it coming until they were drunk and red-faced as can be. It was a gas hearing every shmo in the place say "well aaahhhlll have uh nother Cosmo-Pawl-o-tish-yan bah-tenduh!!" knowing that that name spring from this tender mind of mine (and that I wouldn't get a red-blooded cent more for it as it got co-opted by everybody there)... Well, this evening wasn't so bad-went off without a hitch, though I got my first taste of what the days to come might be like when, while bringing ice in from outside I passed by super-Republican fool Don King getting interviewed. With my back to him as I entered the big glass doors, I yelled "John Kerry 2004!", which was followed by a resounding echo of "NO!!!" in back of me. I disappeared inside amongst the masses before they could make me disappear...

...Ok, so as Saturday rolled into Sunday, along came the big Anti-Bush Demonstration we'd all been waiting for. This was quite a sight to behold, and to be a part of. There was actually some hope in the air as 400 thousand people walked along Broadway singing, chanting, cursing the Monarchy... and selling t-shirts, way too many t-shirts. This was an omen to me. Yeah, I'd made one 4 years back when Bush stole the Election outright from Aldo Nowhere, but this was different. This was rampant crass capitalism it seemed, exploiting a worthy cause, uh...our future no less, with "Get your official 2004 protest T-shirt here, don't go home with out it, only $20!"... I did buy a blow-up Bushocchio Hot Air President Doll (Smirkus Machiavellious) for $5 b/c it was just so damn well done (www.bushocchio.com), but I was genuinely appalled by the frenzy surrounding the "official" keep-sakes from the demonstration-there were more things hawked here then at the Convention... which leads me to, you guessed it, the Convention.

It became obvious, that come Monday eve, I was going to be working my catering magic at Madhouse Square Garden itself, providing a food service to my constituents, the squares of the Grand old garden Party themselves, shipped in from all over the country to resemble some sort of melting pot that doesn't exist within their usual huddled masses. Surreal is about the only way I can describe my experience there, that and bizarre. I and the other Democrater Waiters in attendance were all prepared to "take it for the team" should there be some sort of attack there, full knowing that we wouldn't be around afterwords if such an event did occur. We were shuttled in as a group, bunched together on-foot like the human slaves in Planet of the Apes, and we underwent 2 security check points. I had thought that we were to be subject to anal cavity searches with all the paranoia surrounding the event, but this went pretty smoothley (esp. the first few days, before W entered the building). There was one funny moment that first night though when the cops looked at a worn mint tin I had in my pocket and questioned me about it. "What's this" said the cop. "It has a condom in it said I, so that I can make love to my girlfriend safely at the end of the night when I see her". "Ok" said he, handing it back to me without opening it so that the enclosed rubber wouldn't be on view for all to see and marvel at (hmmm, a Trojan or Lifestyles user? Or perhaps a Durex man). I was quick and smart to point out my appreciation of safety first and family values, as I could have said "well, ocifer, I brought a sheath in case I meet a hot Republican chick"... ____________________________________________

Pt. 2

"Corned Beef Turkey": The Democrater Waiter Buffet Report from RNC in NYC 2004: scribbled, dribbled and civil (libeled?)
____________________________________________

...I brought into the RNC Monday (and each night afterwards) a little black book in which I did my best mole impersonation, scurrying off into a corner, under my tray, while on the can, what have you, in order to jot down the things I heard or thought of while working at the Hate Fest. Here are a few of the things that happened to me there as well as some of my observations:

Rushing up to the floor with 2 heated members of the kitchen staff to see John McCain call Michael Moore "disingenuous". The Secret Service almost took me down as I approached fast on foot holding my bussing tray-they grabbed my credentials that were hanging from my neck-thank God they didn't turn the one in front around to see the NO W sticker I had on it, I'd have been carried away and sent up the river. I fantasized at that moment about being the world's frisbee or discus champ, letting go at just the right moment of my silver tray and watching it soar through the air and decapitate some fat-cat republican on the podium...

Speaking with an old Madison Square Garden security guard (banished to escalator duty) about the events after I served him up corned beef and turkey sandwiches on the sly from my buffet table. This is what he had to say: "It's all bullshit, they (the Republicans) try to shit you up to your eardrums to have you hear what they say, and Bush?...I don't care for that guy, he looks like an idiot".

Mayor Bloomberg saunters up to my buffet table, all 4ft 2 inches of him, and comments in his nasal sarcastic whiney uppercrust voice about the turkey and corned beef: "well... it's better then the food upstairs", obviously dising the food at Madison Sq. Garden itself, as the only food there other than what we served (the same upstairs) was from the food stands there that normally fed happy concert and sporting event attendees.

Serving a heavily made-up Trent Lott Jambalaya at the "My South" party Wednesday. he scrunched his face like a flying monkee and said "Yum".

Observation: the bad acting that was so present by many delegates there eager to please any big whig congressman they came face to face with reminded one Democrater Waiter of Hamlet jumping into Ophelia's Grave...

Loudmouth, scary Republican women (blonde of course) yelling "TURN THAT TV OFF!!! NO HILLARY IN HERE!!" when Hillary Clinton came on one of the many flat-screen tvs set up. They started out on all channels, but gradually all became FOX...

C-List celebraties like the shrill, long-haired right winger Ron Silver are all this party can find, and this guy used his allotted time sounding like a crazed small country dictator... prepping every for Zell "the Zell-Out" Miller I suppose...
______________________________________________
Pt. 3

From the RNC Hatefest w/ Love "Dave Mathews Band Dumps Raw Sewage from Tour Bus into Chicago River, douses Tour Boat w/ 100 Passengers" … The Democrater Waiter Report, cont’d…
______________________________________________

...The above was a news story that graced the papers while the RNC and the protests against the Bush Administration were happening. This Democrater Waiter saw a little symbolism in that pseudo rocker showing his true brown colors (I've always felt he's stunk) as the GOP in speach after speach shat "us up to our eardrums to have you hear what they (were saying)" in the choice words of the friendly old escalator security guard I'd made friends with at Madhouse Square Garden...

Ok, where was I? Oh yeah... more observations:

Two GOP drones standing at attention, with winky dinky dogs (pigs in blankets) in-hand (and in mid-munch in fact) to pledge allegience to the flag...

Double Talk-there was an area of the hospitality suite that hadtheir flat screen tvs not in-sync, so all the GOP double talk came out as, well, double talk. Papa GHW Bush was on when I noticed this, and he sounded like Porky Pig...

Parading out handicapped black hispanic asian muslims like they're really core members of the party... where'd they get that fat muslim women with the orange burkah? And how about the celebrity power? I already mentioned Ron silver, who can't get a job obviously (but that doesn't bother him as he did his best Dennis Miller impersonation and rant for the party that makes it hard for him to get a job), but how about Angie Harmon and Jason Seyhorn? Wo, certainly celebs to reckon with here...

Giuliani... was hoping I'd never have to see that big head again (and I'd seen it in person at a matzah ball eating contest years ago... IT BIG! Makes Conan O'Brien's head look like a pea)... This guy loves to hear himslef talk, and oh, it was painful, as his cackling voice was all around me there echoing and getting a kick out of himslelf like a lisping Joker from Batman...

GOP delagates wearing silly Cat in the Hat Uncle Sam hats with stuffed elephants on top, gaudy rhinstone "W"s and huge buttons all over them saying "I'm a red-hot Republican"...what did this mean? The woman I stood next to in an elevator with this on was surely not hot, not by anyone's standards...

...ok, where was I? Oh yeah, in the eye of the storm. It was actually quite exhilerating I have to say, knowing that I was stationed at the event that all the world could be watching. I figured that as I was in NYC, there was no other place to be those days (other than out on the street protesting the sham of a mockery of an event) then at the Bushies. To set the record straight though, I didn't set out to work at the RNC, that is just where the pre-catering season work was. If you were a caterwaitier, this is where you were that week... and man oh man did I need the money (still do-haven't gotten paid yet from this work). So, how about a few more sites and sounds from the RNC? Remember, what I'm writing may not be novel or anything, it was just what I could squeeze out of the monumental blandness that pervaded the colorless convention. yeah, it looked all exciting to blood thirsty Republicans nationwide I'm sure, but this was a gathering of some of the most ininteresting folk one is ever likely to encounter-hell, you saw the speaches "Blah blah blah terrorism, yada yada 911, Kerry flip flops and he won't stop" w/ no mention of the economy or original ideas and so on...

When that 20 yr old MTV Essay Contest Winner (how did she win? seriously?) with her simplistic assault on values and the lack thereof, called for "Generation Example" instead of Gen X, this face lifted lady by my buffet table said "Can you believe it? That coloured girl's only 18!"... Did you all hear that contest winner afterwards screaming to someone interviewing her "I LOVE ARKANSAS AND I LOVE GEORGE BUSH!"
Well... good for her, and, uh, good luck to her...

The large heavy guy from the Soprano's came over to my buffet-he was doing correspondace for the Tonight Show. The lights came on and he said into camera that "the food at the Dem convention was better". I said "I'm sure I agree". With winky dinky dog in his mouth he said to me "Did you make this?" I said "Hell no, I'm just an actor trying to make a buck". I have no idea whether this segmant made it on Jay's show or not...

The only speaker as far as I could tell who they showed on TV from the rear was that sexy fascist Breast Cancer Advocate Elizabeth Hasselbeck (a young Mira Sorvino clone with a J. Lo Booty). I wonder why, doesn't Dick Cheney have a nice ass?

Laura Bush is a Stepford Wife, no doubt. See her as her face remains motionless while her mouth moves...

In the bathroom, I never saw so many guys with immobile Ken Doll hair grooming themselves, trying to look there waspy best so that they can get lucky with a blonde babe there...

Hell is: listening to Arnold's "Terminate Terrorism" speach on one side of you while a group of young GOP's on the other side of me are trying to fill each other in about the "interesting history of Dick Cheney", how he was "Minority Whip as a young Wyoming Congressman", and picked as "the youngest chief of staff for Nixon @ age 30" and then picked again in the late 80's only after the Dems "got rid of the other nominee, which allowed Newt Gingrich to enter the picture". Fascinating. These guys could barely contain their excitemnet talking about this, seemed like a bunch of Girly Men to me...

It started to seem as though this election was going to be about which candidate has the hotter daughters. I'd have to say that Bush wins on that front, esp. with that slutty looking Jenna (who frighteningly resembles Dubya more than her stoic mom) vamping for the cameras, but then again, Gore's girls were hotter than W's girls (but they were pre-teens in 2000 and didn't count I suppose)...

P Diddy (replete in over-sized Yankee Warm-Up gear) was in attendance, and overheard saying to someone that he was a Republican, then on TV getting interviewed that he was Bi-Partisan, then, when someone asked one of his posse, she said "oh no, he's a Democrat". What is he (besides a dour looking shlumpy fellow, obviously missing Ashton Kutcher's rat pack companionship-the only other time I saw him, and he was beaming then)? One thing for sure is that this guy is rude to caterwaiters, that was the word there. One distraught Democraterwaiter said about the Puffy one "Are you serious? Are you serious?" When I relayed that he was perhaps pro-Bush. "He should be ashamed of himself!... hey, what about the Def Jam guy?"... Then I overheard this staunch conservative fellow say "Puff Daddy? Who's that? I never heard of him. Is he rock or country? (He's) a big showboat ain't he"

I caught some Bushler Youth-type saying (right before the grand entrance of W): "60 days left, man I'm really excited. He's gonna swing in on a thing I bet-hell, if anyone can pull this off, he can"...

General note: usually, the young women at big catered events check out the staff, who are mainly comprised of actors and models... Not here, these Barbies wouldn't so much as bat an eye at the help. We were beneath them. The frat boy guys were actually nicer, eager to get all buddy buddy with us, but the women, not a chance...

Is Mike Piazza a Gay republican? Apparently, he was in the sky box, though the only Mets I saw there were Al Leiter (whom I already knew was conservative), along with an uncomfortable looking Todd Zeile and Tom Glavine. I went up to Tom and asked him if he'd consider a trade to the Red Sox. He said "if I'm gonna go anywhere, it'd be there". This then started much Red Sox talk, as I foiund 3 other Cater Waiters who were fans. Yes, Democrats like the Red Sox...I hope this is a good thing...

One Democraterwaiter kept saying "I hate active listeners". I asked him what he meant, and he pointed to this Slutty Southern belle w/ a krinkled forhead who was blatently kissing the ass of this Congressman sitting accross from her, mouth agape and all, stopping just short of drooling a tusk...
_______________________________________________

Pt. 4

Sweeeeet!!! Mary Lou Retten is in da house! (Why did I ever dig her? she's no Natalie Portman) More from... The Democrater Waiter Buffet Report from RNC in NYC 2004: scribbled, dribbled and civil (libeled?)
_______________________________________________

My last night there (most likely already refered to in these pages, as my scrawled notes were pretty all over the place) started off on a club foot when I tried to smuggle in some little flyers that mentioned Prescott Bush (W’s Grandpapy) and his being caught for trading with the enemy (the Nazis), as reported in October of 1942 in the Wall street Journal. This story has never rightly seen the light of day, though the charges against Bush by Michael Moore of aiding and abetting the Saudis strikes an eery resemblance to this story, don't you think? I folded up these little slips of paper carefully (about 10 of them) and hid them under my rolled-up tie in the pocket of the shirt I was holding on a hanger, with the hopes of passing them out if I could. The cop checking me in, who had just seemed oddly sarcastic when announcing “No bombs, Knives, Guns, Rifles, Missles, Oozis, Tanks, Open Containers and so on” (really, this is waht he said), felt the paper corners around my tie and asked “What’s this?” I said, “It's my Tie” and he looked at me for a second, smiled, and handed it back to me. My club foot gave way to dancing feet, and this last day of the RNC would prove to be kinda fun, as I walked all around the place-having had a drink or 3 supplied by the friendly MSG bartenders-checking out the Press place w/ all the talk radio set-ups, what have you… Ok, so here's the last of my very-hard-to-decipher notes:

I overheard one disapointed conservative attendee say "I haven't asked for shit, and then I ask for 2 passes last night, and they give me behind the fucking television!"

I was standing behind 2 GOP trolls, when this video footage made to look like old Super-8 clips of W, Laura and their kids from like the early 80's came on tv. I said to myself, somewhat loud "that's when he was doing all that coke". Both of the guys turned into me and stared... I thought I was dead, but they quickly turned back to face forward. I guess Bush being a Blow Head is just not an important issue...

To answer a question I'd posed in an earlier blog entry of mine, Paul Stanley of Kiss may very well be a Republican (like Gene Simmons), as his MSG picture was featured prominantly where I was, alongside other performers/athletes who are probably conservative: Martina Hingus, Evander Holyfield and... David Bowie?

One elephant said to another elephant "one more night of fun and gaiety"... this was hardly Babaar...

This one cook told me she flipped-off laura Bush's motorcade, and said that once she realized "it was her, I couldn't stop, and held it up there"

Heinz ketchup was served a plenty, and readily devoured on the pigs in blankets by the those in attendance. I noticed this one vampiress chomping away while wearing a button though that was meant to look like the Heinz logo, but said "Kerry: 57,000 ways to tax Americans"

D list performer after D list performer performed you may have noticed (or not), it always began with: "(so and so), who had a platinum record in 2000!". I swear I heard this one no-name sang the words "Can you believe, can you deceive, can you achieve, I can"

One fat cat chucked a crumpled pulled-pork stained napkin @ my tray from afar as I walked by. It missed, hit the ground, and he didn't acknowledge a damn thing...

They kept exploiting minorities after minoriites: that effeminate Cuban guy Menendez saying "my friend George Bush" and "I aim to repay my America" (meaning: I aim to repay W for the awesome tax cut I'm getting!)

Dick cheney, trying to appeal to the working class with his story about his Dad and the Railroad cars, and being born on FDR's birthday, well one Democrater Waiter had this to say about that "but he's the biggest warmongering, smug Millionaire scumbag that there is!"

Pataki, who makes W look like Einstein, erred I believe in saying "let's win one for the gipper, and lose one for the clipper!"... Uh, George (another George!) you're the Gov of NY, remember the Yankee Clipper buddy?

My old-friend the old Escalator Security Guard saying about W "he could say I'm a pea-brained imbecile, and people would applaud"...

My buddy from Chicago calling and saying "I'll give you $100 if you ______" ... I'm sure you can guess what he said, he was hinting at, well, not character assassination, but another kind, which I'm in no position to stoop to...

________________________________________________

Pt. 5

Yay! Bush says you can get a "College" Diploma...The Democraterwaiter Buffet Report from RNC in NYC 2004: scribbled, dribbled and civil (libeled?) pt. 7
_______________________________________________

...so, everybody was waiting for this? This glazed over simpleton with a sock in his mouth? he has actually become a worse speaker over the 4 years he's let us down. Bush said "There's nothing complicated about supporting our troops", but there's obviously something very complicated about reading for him. He was struggling, I mean am I the only one who saw that? I think not... (According the Associated Press, he mixed up his words this past Monday reciting his stump speech and said "too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all accross the country")... man oh man, are we in trouble...

One Hispanic bartender said to another Hispanic Bartender "Give me a fuckin' break, are you kiddin' me?" when our fearfull leader slaughtered their language in his speach...

Bush refered to his Mom as "that white-haired lady over there", but the TV didn't show Barbara Bush, she must have been yakking in the john I figure...

Speaker of the House Dennis J. Hastert was a slobbering fool around the po boy sandwiches, dripping chin and all... What a pleasant man.

Bad lip-syncing by Country Music "sensation" Leanne Womack as she finished singing after the recording stopped. This went unnotoced by all the Wonderrama kids plants seated all around her...

When Kerry gave his well-deserved rebuttal after the hatefest, I overheard one guy saying to another "you hear that, he's lying on TV-he's a classless pannicking freak!"

An RNC Bumper Sticker that made its way around: "BUSH OR TERROR?"... I don't like the implications here.

well, I'm going to have to compile the rest of my stained refrains another time, see if they’re even worth telling you all, plus, I will be giving you some choice excerpts over the next couple of months from the slanderous American Conservative Union pamphlet I got at the RNC entitled "Who is John Kerry?"

Until then, later-RM