Thursday, February 01, 2007

and now... some more succinct celebrity reviews

Harry Connick, Jr. - if Andy "Mayberry" Griffith and Mark "Big Mac" Macgwire had a baby. Nice, uh, extremely muscle bound guy, heluva voice for real
Mathew McConaghy - this guy's got a humongous head, a prerequisite for successful actors apparently (what about Gary Sinise then?), though successful obviously doesn't necessarily mean talented in this case. Dude is super slick though, I'll give him that
James Franco - a rather "petite tete" in comparison (gives Gary a run for his money)
Gary Sinese - despite the stuff I just said about his head size, this guy is the coolest, and wise
Sam Shepherd - really looks like you can light a match off his face
Drew Barrymore - wanted to hate her, esp. as I'm not a fan of her on film, but she's just so damn sweet n' uber cool
Ethan Hawke - liking him more and more since he's gotten so freakishly ugly
Uma Thurman - liking her less and less since she's gotten so snobbishly bitchy
Bill Paxton - one heluva guy
Billy Bob Thornton - about as cool as he comes off onscreen (sorry, boring I know, but...)
Brad Pitt - this guy and I could hang out. After he and I stopped talking to each other, people came up to me and spoke to me as if I was him
Elijah Wood - intense hobbit (I honestly think he is one!)
Vin Diesel - overly friendly, nice buff, bald village person (I'm not sayin')
Jessica Lang - her eyes are lookin' more and more Asian I'm afraid (stay away from the surgery my dear, you're an icon)
Joan Allen - a bit meaner and way taller then I remembered her
Natalie Portman - an adorably elphan rich socialite brat
Renee Zellweger - way hotter in person (an' she told me I wasn't so bad myself... we'll meet again I hope)
Campbell Scott - absafuckinglutely like he appears onscreen; kinda smug, ultra chill, laid back bachelor uncle who's prematurely grey
Clive Owen - what can I say? I wanna be this guy
Willem Dafoe - a living primate, which contradicts how cavemen are depicted in those commercials these days
Jay Z - kinda comes off all like "aw shucks" in person, like Dwayne on What's Happening, but cooler
Matt Damon - super nice guy, but he works it, fakin' that smile til th'aint nobody left in the room
Leonardo DeCaprio - now you see him, now you don't
Samuel Jackson - wears dumb hats in public, almost something Bill Cosby-esque about this cool motherfucker
Michael Keaton - can you please stop doing Michael Keaton all the time?
Sammy Sosa - nice guy w/ chip on his shoulder, and I honestly don't care whether he did 'roids or not. Screw Big Mac, to hell with Barry, but I like Sammy, and you know you do too
Johnny Rotten - genuinely rotten to the core, I love this man
Mary Kate an' Ashley Olson - flyin' monkees (excuse me if I already used this one in a past SCR, just so fun to say)
Lyndsay Lohan - that chick from the smoking room in high school who's still sexy even though everybody's already fucked her. Dirty, but I'd let her (same excuse-pardon me if already said this one in a previous SCR)
Ally Sheedy - looks like a stressed-out, chain smokin' stick figure
Bruce Willis - the kind of guy who whoops and hollers during movie premieres (I know, cuz I sat right next to him). More power to him... wait, is he a 'Publican?
Cedric The Entertainer - pretty damn entertaining, I had no idea (though he looks exactly like a fat Martin Lawrence, I won't hold that against him)
Scarlet Johanson - will you marry me?
Tommy Lee Jones - scared the shit outa me in person
January Jones - I'd let her any month of the year... if only (sigh... I knew she'd make it Dan)
Constantine Whats-your-name-opolis (from American Idol) - your 15 minutes are way over Bon Jersey
Dan Hedaya - middle aged hipster, fuckin' love this guy
Mark Wahlberg - absofuckinglutely regular guy, just don't get into any of his entourages wassabi eatin' contests
Adrien Grenier - super friendly, albeit kinda dull, guy. Woulda been a teen idol for sure in the 70s
George Clooney - I wanna be this guy too... I mean, who doesn't?
Juliette Binoche - kinda lost a beat due to age, but I'd still do Frenchy, I mean just thinkin' about her in Damage, and Blue (or was it Red? or White?)
Sharon Leal - girl, you're dreamily smokin'
Clint Eastwood - wholy shit, what do I say to Clint fuckin' Eastwood?!
Jack Nicholson - "I remember you!" "she was 15 goin' on 35"... legendary cool
Vera Farmiga - meow
Ewan McGregor - nifty duds this bloke wears, stand-up chap
Annabella Scoria - drop-dead gorgeous (I asked her out but was rebuffed). Cannot believe she's pushing 50
John Voight - reminds me of my dad, genuine
Penny Marshall - Laverne lives on Shirl
Ron Howard - Richie, Opie... shucks you're a nice guy, seriously. Don't know why I thought Ralph Malph was cooler than you man, what's he directed lately?
Sting - holy shit, I was expecting an ass hole and I got... joe friendly. Thanks, you made me feel like all that high school idol worship did not go to waste
Martin Scorcese - you rock sir, keep on talkin'
Kate Winslet - you're a lucky man, Sam
Ralph Machio - still looks like he's 17, and probably bummin' about that
Luke Wilson
- beer bud. Boy, we could score multitudes of chicks together dude (like he needs my help)
Billy Crudup -for someone who reads so well onscreen, this guy is one short (and blocky) dude. I thought film was supposed to put on weight?
Vaclev Havel - I cannot believe I met this Vaclev Havel
Robert Deniro - looked like he thought I was gonna bite him or somethin' when I introduced myself, kind of reacted "are you talkin' to me?" style w/out sayin' it (wouldn't that be cool if he said that?)
Parker Posie - so, uh... how about that drink? (no more smart alek responses my dear, I can't think on my feet as fast as you)
Stevie Wonder - it's fucking Stevie fucking Wonder!

That's it for now. I'll have loads more of these for ya in the future...

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