Spider-Man 3 "duhs" whatever a Spider-Man movie can, apparently, as it earned like a
quadrillion freakin' bucks domestically and internationally over it's 1st weekend. This may be the case, but I felt like that kid in Oregon who just had 2 spiders removed from his ear the other day after I saw it; kinda violated, an' like hurtin' near the brain and shit. Shoulda-been-a-Hobbit actor Tobey Maguire is back with his weirdly endearing but poorly acted, goofy (and seemingly totally stoned) take on Peter Parker, but am I the only dunce who still doesn't see what the appeal is to Kirsten Dunst? As Little Pete's aptly named love drug of choice, Mary Jane, she is once again just plain annoying as all get-out, and that face of hers is growing more and more prune-like yo. James Franco, on the other hand, who reprises his role as best bud Harry Osborn, fares better. This time around he gets to stretch his forever James Dean-esque persona a bit more, and at times he seems like he's acting in a far better picture then the one he's in. The best thing to come out of this 3rd spinneret in the Spidey series though is yet again the addition of the new peas in the pod; Bryce Dallas Howard as Gwen Stacy, and Thomas Haden Church as The Sandman. With the arrival of Howard, this series finally has a hot chick, and one that was written within its original Marvel Comics pages to boot. As for Church, what we have is yet another example of a talented actor playing a Spider-foe and stealing the Spider-show. Now there's also Topher Grace for good, bad and ugly measure, as the demented Venom, a latter day comic villain from the The Amazing Spider-Man,
but he arrives via some Nickelodeon-style (albeit black) gook from outer space, and in my opinion this character woulda been better off staying there. Don't get me wrong, I like Topher, and I'll never be able to get over his name, but I guess I'm an old-school comic book fan, and this Venom shit just doesn't work alongside an, er, more believable crook like Sandman. Venom's addition magnifies, in this mediocre reviewer's eyes, what's really wrong with the Sam Rami Spider-Man movies: they can't decide who their fans are.
Hell, I collected Spider-Man comics when I was a kid because I thought he was cool, but the facts are that he ain't on screen no more. Yes, I'd rather see him statically pushed on a pin along a flat, drawn skyline in the 70's cartoon than over-hyped here. Spider-Man's a sell-out now, and comes off more like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo then a Super Hero too (maybe they should call the next won "Spider-Doo?"). About 2/3rds of the way through this flick, during S3's version of the now-requisite silly musical montage-thing that ruined Spider-Man 2 for many, my Spidey-senses were tingling alright, or something inside me was, and so I got up and went to take a piss. Having to sit through that crap, along with scenes like the one where Peter canoodles with Mary Jane atop a huge web-hammock he spun himself, is downright embarrassing for a true Spider-Man fan, and thusly killed this film for me. Yes, the CGI effects have gotten better with this installment, but the Cool, Go In (and see the shit) factor that the X-Men series has is missing, and I hear they're gonna keep squishin' these Spider-Megamovies out until Tobey Baggins is doing his worst 30-something year old teen ala Brandon in 90210 (now he woulda been a good Peter Parker back then, def. a more believable chick magnate). If they want to keep spinning these yarns for grammar school kids, fine, then I guess it's time for me to finally sell my old Spidey comics that I've kept sitting around all these years. I'll still keep Thor, as I don't think they can down-size the God of Thunder...
Weird... it just occurred to me that somehow Batman traded places with Spider-Man over the years and became the cooler screen Super Hero for the masses. When I was a kid, however, that woulda been unfathomable, as no one I knew would buy a DC comic to save his life... Oh well, my recommendation if you want to see a good Spider-flick? Rent "Eight Legged Freaks"... Nuff said
*with this review, and all upcoming reviews, you'll also be able to check 'em out now at www.mediocrenewyork.com....
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