Sunday, January 28, 2007

"her wild ways mended"... what a tool

She's sitting on a floor cross-legged, dressed like a new recruit of some hippy cult, holding a big ol' flower (in place of a str8 male model's cock or 5th of Jack Daniels most likely). "She" is Miss Usa Tara Conner, who terminated her supposed hard-partying ways and just completed rehab... What a crock. I read about this today in the same paper that mentions Brian Jones (a real candidate for rehab back in the day) looking all "haunted, wary" in The Rolling Stones Rock and Roll and Roll Circus (reviewed b/c it's airing on the tube tonight, Sunday). The Beauty Queen slut in question claims she's "a completely different person" now. So, she's been transformed from Wendy O. Williams to a snow white Vanessa Williams you say? I guess that means she won't be winning any more contests (or friends for that matter)... what a bore. Vanessa didn't come as clean as this milk toast mama though, did she? Cause the nausea just keeps flowing, as she explains ad-gag what she was like before she was saved, or, before she took the new tried-and-true rehab approach to saving her career. Let's face it, P/R people are the (don't get) high (anymore) priests of today. Drunk babe says "before I entered rehab, I hardly knew who I was". Awwww, poor baby. You were Miss USA idiot, but beside that fact, who the hell really knows who they are at age 21? I still don't have the foggiest notion at age 40, that's probably why I'm sitting here at 1:29am on a Saturday night in the middle of the neverending Lower East Side Bar Hop Til-You-Drop fest writing shit that no one's probably ever gonna read and drinking some vino full knowing that I have to be up early Sunday to catch a train to go shoot a short film out of town
(semi-ironically, I'm playing a religion's prof who starts offing people, not that I'm gonna go and do that but... well, there's some irony in there somewhere, somehow, I just can't put my finger on it right now b/c that finger and another one are tickling the keyboard 2 finger-style as I speak).

Back to Tara Conner and her tale of woe: apparently, little Miss Makers' Mark told People Magazine (of all people!) that she had tried drugs and had her first encounter with the sauce at age 14... what a little booze bag crack ho! Hell, I had a fake I.D. at 14 and was hitchhiking to score weed and buying beer for the High School football team soonafter (I'd tell 'em that a case of Schaeffer cost more then it did... heh heh heh, what a little scoundrel I was... now if I could only figure out a way to make money grow now like I did then... I suppose I could buy beer again for underage ki... nah). Well, she (Miss USA) is better now, after probably giving The Donald a blowjob for a second chance and agreeing to go to rehab so that she can continue her career path towards feature films and Entertainment Tonight hosting. She's emerged saying "I suffer from the disease of alcoholism and addiction"... her nose just hasn't turned red and bulbous yet I guess, or maybe she snuck a lil' nosejob in there at her lil' Beverly Hills retreat (or wherever her cush rehab was) while we were not looking. She spent a whopping 31 days there, including Christmas and NYE... let me tell you, what a sacrifice she has made for her sex life, let alone her career! She has now "learned the tools to live a clean and sober life of recovery" she says, sounding like a robot in West World, "from rehab, I gain sobriety". What a tool. The paper did not mention, however, that her next sentence was "so let's party be-ahtches!"... well, probably not, but now that her "wild ways" have been "mended" she is supposed to spread 'em in Playboy, let's see her get through that w/out a line or 2 from the photog.

So, now that I've attempted to tear Tara a new tush, let me tell you why I decided to write about this rehab stuff. Well, not only did I have nothing else to write about tonight, but also, you may have read recently that this rehab shit has been getting way out of hand. That dude from that TV show -Yada Yada Washington or whatever his name is- just announced he was going to rehab for calling a cast member a fag, and there have been a plethara of other examples of famous types giving themselves up to stints of rehab after one public faux-pas or sloppy night on the town too. It's just a matter of time before Brittney will enter rehab again so she can rid herself of her nasty habit of showing the world her vagina. Apparently, Mel Gibson and the like can now just pay to have their blood cleaned and name cleared and we're supposed to turn the page, just like that. I guess there's a Kramer disclaimer though, as gay bashing and anti-semitism are ok while racist talk towards African Americans by fading has-been comedians is not, but the point is is that all this rehab shite is just an obvious attempt by publicity spinners to make rich fuck-ups seem contrite as quickly as possible so that they can resume making hordes of cash for them and their possees. Man, if I screw up, I have to deal with it, myself. Is George Bush next I ask you (yeah yeah yeah, I know I said I wouldn't mention his name again for a while)? How convenient would it be for him if he could just hold a press conference and say "I suffer from delusions of grandeur. I'm a dictator and I senselessly sent over 3,000 American kids to their deaths, not to mention murdered innocent Iraqi men, women and children for oil and the love of Big Daddy". We know he was (still is?) a coke head. Miss USA, meet Mr. USA.

That's it. I need a drink... outside. You can find me at Revolver playing Russian Vodka roulette.

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